You Fuel My Inspiration: Why Better Readers Make Better Writers

If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others:

read a lot and write a lot.

~ Stephen King

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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riters who read are better writers.

Well-written books and articles inspire you to hone your own writing skills; they give you something to aspire to and emulate.

Poorly written books and articles ~ besides raising your grammar hammer blood pressure ~ also teach you what to avoid.  You learn (hopefully) from others’ mistakes.

The Chorus and the Solo

So saying, did you read my post yesterday?  That post came about because I read an article.  If I hadn’t read that article on Image, I wouldn’t have been inspired to write my own take on the issue of memories and de-cluttering.

In writing, as with any art that involves words and ideas, it is the exchange that fuels my inspiration.  Many writers say I can’t write because someone has already written about the subject.  But there are as many ways to look at an issue or problem or even just a piece of beautiful art as there are people.

Image credit: Google search

We each have our own song to sing ~ sometimes we sing with the chorus, sometimes we have a solo.  But we each add a unique layer to the song itself.  A layer that no one else can contribute.  

And sometimes, the notes we sing, inspire others to compose an entirely new song.

What potential for a beautiful harmony that makes!

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

So what have you read recently that fired your imagination and got your fingers flying across the keyboard or the page?  Please share!

The Words We Leave Behind: What NOT to Throw Away

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy;

for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;

we must die to one life before we can enter another.

~ Anatole France

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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hat do we leave behind us?

Specifically, what words do we leave behind?

Peggy Rosenthal has a thoughtful post over at Image Journal about aging, accumulating “stuff” and old journals and letters.

Reading about the tearing and ripping apart of old journals and throwing them out to be burned made me want to cry. 

On the one hand, I understand where she’s coming from: make things easier for the kids once she and her husband are gone; less to throw out.  It’s a charitable act, really.  No one should have to go through all that when they’re in the throes of grief.

Or should they?

What We Leave Behind Isn’t Just Junk

My mother could star in an episode of Hoarders, a show she watches avidly, proclaiming: “How awful!  I’m not THAT bad!” 

In her case, a lot of what she saves really is insane: broken things that she swears she’ll get fixed; items that will be re-purposed into something new. No, Mom, turning the microwave into a ice chest for the patio is not cool, it's white trash.  

The yards and yards of fabric that she said was her retirement ~ she was going to make crafts and sell them ~ has now become her detriment.  I swear the damn things mate like bunnies somewhere in the deep recesses of the craft room.

Image credit: Memories Wallpaper, Google search

But I’m glad she didn’t throw out the ledgers from my Dad’s foray into owning his engineering company.  Seriously, how is it possible that in just under 40 years, prices have changed that much?!  

Or the menu from the restaurant where they met ~ he, the suave and debonair owner with the European flair and she, the young and impressionable back woods waitress with a Southern accent and a braid of thick auburn hair that put Crystal Gayle to shame.

These at least aren’t just detritus from a life well lived ~ they are touchstones that bring the past to life ~ our version of a hologram.  And to touch them is to bring back both the past and the person who lived it.  I would hate for those precious memories to be lost. 

Although, dear God, someone please tell her that Good Housekeeping magazines from 1967-1986 are NOT worth the paper they’re printed on!

In Our Own Words

Accumulating things seems to be an American rite of passage ~ or a disorder, however you want to call it.  So of course I have my fair share.  My several sets of china will tell you of my love of food and hospitality ~ but so will the pictures of all those dinners and parties with friends. 

Each plate and cup and saucer could still act as touchstones to another generation I suppose, although it looks like my sisters will have to take up that clarion call.  No, if all that china got broken, it’s easily replaced.  The memories are safe, tucked away in words and images: in my journals.  In letters.  In blog posts.

The most important thing we leave behind us when we go is our love.  Our caring.  How we felt.  And the memory of that might fade once we’re gone. 

People always talk about how they can’t really remember a loved one’s face anymore.  Or the sound of their voice.

But a journal ~ now there’s a touchstone worth keeping.  There, we remember, in the moment, how it felt to see the Alaskan skyline for the first time.  How deeply betrayed we were by that one relationship.  How our heart pounded with terror as we spent a dark, stormy weekend alone without electricity. 

Just think how much emptier our lives would be if Leonardo de Vinci, Charlotte Bronte, Albert Einstein, George Sand had burned their journals.

The dark and the light, the pain and the hope and the redemption ~ threaded together by ink and the corpses of trees.  They died to give our memories something to cling to.

And that’s why ultimately I wish Peggy hadn’t ripped up those journals.  Such an incredible writer should keep the evidence of her journey ~ both as a writer and as a woman.  Wife.  Mother.  Grandmother.  That kind of talent may pop up a couple of generations from now. 

And how cool would it be for a little girl to learn that her Great-great-great grandmother Peggy was a writer who lived and loved and struggle to find her writerly voice too.

And how grateful that she didn’t leave her a ginormous stack of old magazines.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Read It: Peggy Rosenthal is one of my favorite writers and all her articles are thoughtful and thought-provoking.  I invite you to read and be moved.

But Never on a Sunday, A Sunday, A Sunday, 'Cuz That's My Day of Rest!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

~ Ernest Hemingway

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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t’s Sunday.  Know what that means!

 

Image credit: Google

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Sorry this didn’t post yesterday ~ computer issues. Sigh.

The World Won't Stop: Weekends Are For Recharging

Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.
~ Maya Angelou, Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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aturdays and Sundays around La Belle don’t get much action. 

Which is fine actually.  I like to imagine that my readers are out living exciting lives ~ getting out in the garden, hiking a mountain, creating something beautiful, or making sure someone feels a little more loved.

But I'm supposed to blog every day for 30 days and that includes weekends.  So what’s a 30 Day blogging challenged gal to do?

If you are stopping by today for your daily laugh or (hopefully) bit of encouragement, then I say to thee: Get thee to a place outside!  Enjoy the weather, enjoy some quiet time.  Don't always use the weekend as a time to keep going, going, going.

Image credit: reneenaturally.com

I understand that errands need to be run, chores need to be done.  But if you don't take time for yourself, you are headed for burn out.  And possibly resentment from the introverted members of your family. So stop reading this, head outside (or to your favorite place that makes you feel happy and peaceful), and rest.  

I promise you'll have more energy to face your To Do list later.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Does your blog traffic go down on the weekends?  Why or Why Not?

Five Minute Friday: Hands

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands,

one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.

~ Sam Levenson

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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o much to do at my day job today, and a couple of great events happening tonight in town, so I’m way behind in getting this written/posted AND making sure I catch an earlier enough train home to get to the fun writerly and artsy events.

My writer friend Drusilla over at Loved As If, told me about Five Minute Friday and as I’m strapped for time, best time to try it out is now.

So without further ado….

To me, big, work-roughened hands have the sexiest feel in the world.  I don’t know why that is.  Maybe because my own hands are soft.  Even though I work in my garden, mow the lawn with a walk behind mower, and scrub and paint furniture and crafty things, I always wear gloves.  Not to mention I have more bottles of lotion than some bath stores.

Image credit: theamandaproject.com

Hands create.  They build and mold and type what the imagination dreams. 

Hands welcome.  They open doors, set a table, cook a meal.

Hands are great.  They are attached to arms, which are even better.  Hands hold, introduce, get to know.  And then arms hug.  And hold some more. 

A symbol of trust and security  ~ however illusory and fleeting it may be.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Five Minute Friday is an ever-growing group of bloggers who write for five minutes flat each Friday on the same prompt that Lisa Jo Baker posts each Thursday evening. It’s five minutes to see what comes out: not a perfect post, not a profound post, just five minutes of focused writing. Those without a blog can post their five minute piece as a comment on Lisa Jo Baker’s blog. For more details, visit Five Minute Friday.

Love Will Save Me: Why Working on Your Problems Before Marriage is Smart

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them.

Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.

~ Hugh Elliott, Standing Room Only

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness! 

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t’s Throwback Thursday. 

Which usually means posting pictures that highlight what a bad idea that mullet and blue eye shadow were back in 1985.

It’s also Hunger Awareness Day, and since emotional hunger is a very real problem in our society today, I thought, why not revisit an old post about relationships?

Also, I’m lazy, ADDish, and tired.

Six years ago, I had a discussion with a couple of bloggers about whether a person should work on their psychological and emotional wounds before entering a new relationship and whether that relationship could itself be a source of healing.

I had forgotten all about this discussion and the post it inspired, and upon reading it, I quickly realized this couldn’t be just a lazy re-blog.  Because six years ago, I was a different person.

A Broken Vase Holds No Water

Six years ago, I was four years out of a manipulative  and co-dependent relationship.  Six years ago, I wasn’t in therapy with the incredible shrink I have now.  Six years ago, I thought I was fine and okay.

But six years ago, I was depressed and didn’t know it.

Six years later, I’m more self-aware, more confident, more don’t-give-a-flying-truck-what-anyone-thinks.  More in touch with my wounds, my past.  And more in touch with my anger and disappointment.  You could say, I’m a little more hard and cynical.  Still, my six-years-ago self was pretty much dead on.

Read the original post: The Power of Love

Let’s get one thing straight right from the start: a relationship, whether it’s romantic or platonic, is never a cure for loneliness.  People are people, not objects to be bought, sold, or used.  A relationship built on hating eating frozen dinners in front of the boob tube by yourself is going to last as long as my coffee pot.  Actually, my coffee pot will probably last longer.  

Not to mention it makes things exceedingly tiresome and boring for the other person.  

And quite frankly, I’ve met people who still felt alone in their relationship.  And that is worse than literally being alone. 

Since that post was written, I’ve had several friends date, break up, and get married.  And as I began learning more and more about child development, and family wounds, and inter generational healing, I began to talk more and more about the need to tend to our wounds before entering into a life-changing commitment.  But time and again I was told: not all take the same path, not all journeys are the same; some people are healed by the relationship itself.

While I agree that we all have different paths to take, they all overlooked one thing in their reasoning: they had already been in therapy and done work on themselves or were in therapy when they met their future spouse.

Prior to that, they were dating and getting nothing but heartache in return.

I Want a Girl (Just Like the Girl That Married Dear Old Dad)

Many of us had (or have) troubled relationships with one or both parents.  And many of us either ignore that, or try to compensate with their significant other.  But we learn all too soon that the other person is just as flawed as we are, as our parents are, and in fact, may even be flawed in the same way our parents were!

When you enter a relationship without addressing the fact that your father always promised he would do X, Y or Z but never did it, you may have a tendency to expect all men to promise but not deliver.

Image credit: Chappell Therapy

If your mother was manipulative and domineering, you may have the tendency to view your girlfriend’s ability to handle herself well and take charge of a situation with distrust or you may simply retreat when faced with taking responsibility.

And still the pain continues and the need to address past wounds remains.

Do all relationships work this way?  Of course not.  Things like mentors, the moderately functional friends we had growing up, and even grace need to be factored in.  

But enough have problems that books have been written about the parent-child connection and influence over current relationships.

The Journey So Far

Six years ago, I said that I believed “perfect love drives out all fear” and I sort of still believe that.  The issue I have now is, in order to experience love in a healthy, integrated way you first have to know what it looks like.  Otherwise, you’ll keep getting your heart stomped on. (Think of abused women who won’t leave their abusers).

How do we do that?

I don’t know how you do it, but I read books.  And talked with friends.  And joined a support group.  And talked with friends some more.  And read more books. 

Until finally one day, a romantic interest said to me: “You know, you’ve told me about X, Y, Z in your past and I think you should join a support group or talk to a spiritual advisor ~ because the reason you’re attracted to me is because I remind you of your father…and you really shouldn’t date me.”

So (heartbroken), I joined another support group.  And I read some more books.  And talked to a priest or two.  But I didn’t find a competent therapist. 

And would you believe, I went back to thinking I was working on things and everything was fine. Denial ain’t just a river…oh, you’ve heard that one already.

It would take me two whole years ~ and one last majorly dysfunctional and painful relationship in 2009 ~  to finally hit rock bottom in January of 2010.  Suddenly, everything was not fine ~ in spades.  I was not okay.  As smart as I was, and as many supportive friends as I had, I realized (finally!!) that I needed more help than I was getting. 

And even then, I was stubborn and didn’t meet my shrink until six months later.  (Gee, it’s been four years?! Happy Anniversary, Siggy*!)

Bottom line: no one human being can “fix” or "fill" you by themselves.  Would you expect your spouse to set your leg if you broke it?  Or do open heart surgery on you if you had a blocked artery? No, that would be stupid!  They aren’t trained to heal those kinds of wounds/illnesses.

And yet, many of us expect our spouse to heal our emotional and psychological wounds.

The Power of (Unconditional) Love

We were not created to be alone, to work out our problems in isolation. We are social beings, made for self-gift and with an incredible capacity to love and forgive and grow.

Pride says you do not need anyone or anything to help you heal. That is not only false, it’s unwise. But neither are we meant to just expect things to magically get better without putting forth any effort at all and letting our spouses, children, friends, confessors, shrinks do it all for us. 

The answer lies in between: take the time to become self-aware; work on your issues; talk to a therapist (consider them your psych surgeon).  Healing those wounds enables you to feed that emotional hunger yourself. 

Only then can you feed others.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Agree, disagree, hate me? ;)  Do tell!

*Siggy - oh come on.  Siggy - Sigmund.  Yeah, you got it.

Toxic Relationships: Calling It Quits on Our Bad Habits

It can be difficult to leave a long-term relationship, even when our inner-wisdom tells us it's time to let go. At this point, we can choose let go and endure the intense pain of leaving behind the familiar to make way for a new chapter in our life. Or we can stay and suffer a low-grade pain that slowly eats away at our heart and soul, like an emotional cancer. Until we wake up, one day and realize, we are buried so deep in the dysfunction of the relationship that we scarcely remember who we were and what we wanted and needed to be.

~ Jaeda DeWalt

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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elationships define us.

You’re someone’s child, possibly someone’s parent, someone’s aunt or uncle.  A boss.  An employee.  A coach.

Even as a writer, I have a relationship with you, my readers.

Sometimes these relationships are good: healthy, integrated, interdependent.  Sometimes, they’re toxic: shattered, abusive, codependent, even addictive.

This pretty much sums up my relationship with food. . .and my health.

Mental WWE

It’s been proven time and again that the mind has great power over the body.  Grief can produce fatigue, insomnia, lack of appetite.  Joy produces more endorphins, ups our energy, makes our skin glow.

For some of us, however, our mental/emotional health is in a fight to the death with our physical health.  Or more accurately, in a fight with our habits.

And let’s face it, some of those habits are downright toxic.

For instance, I eat when I’m bored.  I eat when I’m depressed.  I eat when I’m hungry.  I eat when I’m full.  But when you really look at it, 9 times out of 10, I eat when I’m bored.

The Root of All Evil. . .Er, Toxic Habits

As with any unhealthy habits, addictions, or behaviors, to truly “cure” the disease, you have to answer the question Why.  Why do you watch five hours of television instead of talking to your spouse?  Why do you eat a dozen doughnuts when you come from a family of diabetics?  Why do you put off writing that report/proposal/book/post until you give yourself an aneurysm completing it?

In my journey towards a healthier, happier, more integrated me, I’ve discovered that they why of my eating when I’m bored had an even deeper why: why are you bored at all?

Because I’m a creative.  A smart creative with mild ADD.  The question is not do I have an idea; the question is which idea do I explore first?  And yet, I get bored.  And then I eat.  And let me tell you, when I’m bored, I don’t eat carrots and broccoli.

The answer is two-fold and I’ve already answered half of it above. 

Image credit: www.mbrozafoods.org

Having even mild ADD makes concentration and focus a challenge.  People with ADD or ADHD, can hyper-focus, that is, become completely, 100% engrossed in something.  I’ve almost missed my train home a couple of times because I was immersed in some writing or editing project.  (Once I almost missed the train as it was standing right in front of me because I was hyper-focused on downloading music on my smarty pants phone!)

But as you can see, it’s not always the something that we should be focused on at the time.

The other side to this tale of habit woe is perfectionism.  I’ve talked about this double-edged sword before, but it bears repeating:

As with all artists, the writer pours himself out in his art ~ there in bloody black and white for all to see. Once the words are on the page and published, there is no going back. . . This means that our art flows directly from our soul. It is real. It is painful. It is achingly beautiful. But it is truly our blood and bone, heart and sinew. And so if we fail to reach someone; if the observer fails to "get" us or the beauty or idea we are trying to convey, it is like singing in a darkened theatre.

You put everything into your performance and the lights go on afterwards and instead of the attentive audience you thought was there, there is only empty space. Or worse, empty stares. (The Perfect and the Real, February 2011)

And of course, what is part and parcel of perfectionism?  Fear.  Fear of failure.  Fear of rejection. Ergo, the root of my boredom is really fear.

That’s just great, Mikaela.  But now what?  How do you “dig out” that root of fear?

Now, it’s decision time.

There is Such a Thing as a Good Goodbye

I’m with Charlie Brown on this one.  I like hellos, not goodbyes.  But sometimes, in order to save one’s sanity and health, you have to call it quits.

My relationship with food right now is not healthy.  In point of fact, it’s driving my mind crazy and my body bonkers.  Because remember, I don’t eat veggies and fruit when I’m bored.  (We won’t go into what I do eat ~ I have healthy, organic friends who read this and they might die of the shock.)

When I eat when I’m bored, I can actually hear my gut saying, “What the…!?  Again!?  Lady, last time you ate that piece of bleep! we sent it back ~ with a big helping of acidy horse head complaint!  What kinda scam are ya tryin’ to pull here?!”

Who knew this Southern belle had a New Jersey digestive tract?

My biggest and number one task is tackling the fear of failure and rejection.  It’s the root that needs to be dug out.  Otherwise, like a weed, the habit never dies.  That’s one of the reasons I see my therapist regularly. 

But I can’t just sit back and wait for the cognitive and dialectical behavior therapy to take.

I need to do some extra mental and physical homework on my own.  Some of these I’ve tried, some I’m still working on.  See if these might help you say goodbye to your long-term bad habit:

Get rid of all the comfort food (poison) in my house and my office.

Replace it with healthy yet fun alternatives. (I just went to Whole Foods and got a bunch – woohoo!)

Get outside.  (Now that my garden is growing, I try to visit it every day to weed, water, and walk in it.)

Get up without hitting the snooze and get in 15-20 minutes of yoga and strength training. (This one is tough ~ I am NOT a morning person.  I’m a morning growly grounchy-pants.)

Write.  Write everything.  Journal the good, the bad, the ugly, the insane.

Spend time with supportive friends.  (Just went camping with some ~ woot!)

Join a support group (haven’t tried this one yet)

Relationships define us.  But the toxic ones don’t have to anymore.  We ARE strong enough to walk away.  We ARE strong enough to form healthy, integrated relationships.  It’s just going to take some time and some hard work.

But as the wise guru Clairol reminds us, we’re worth it.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Read it again: The Perfect and the Real

Learn more about Interdependence: Psych Central

Write Like A Boy Scout: Why a Writer Should Always Be Prepared

Being a writer is a very peculiar sort of a job: it's always you versus a blank sheet of paper (or a blank screen) and quite often the blank piece of paper wins.

~ Neil Gaiman

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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riters need to be Boy Scouts: always prepared.

Stories and ideas come from everywhere and no matter how good you think your memory is, if you don’t keep paper or a recording device at hand, you are going to forget some of them.

Of course, some ideas sound way better in our heads.  The old parable is dead on: don’t separate the wheat from the chaff before you harvest, you might pull up some wheat by accident.  Which is another reason it is good to write them down ~ so you can view them in the cold light of the blank page. 

Editing should always come after you’ve puked your guts out, not before.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice a little for your craft.  No one gets by on talent alone.  On Saturday, I gave up an hour of canoeing with friends to write this.  I knew if I didn’t, I would not only miss out on spending some precious time alone, but I would feel unhappy and unfulfilled.  As well as lose some valuable story seeds.

Even if some of them turn out to be weeds not wheat, at least I took the time to plant something.

Writing for Mental Health

The other seeds that are planted when writing down ideas, emotions, perceptions, etc. are seeds of mental well-being.  Because I suffer from cyclothymic depression and mild ADD, it is easy to forget the highs, the good days when the thunder clouds settle in the brain.  In fact, many therapists encourage their patients to keep a journal. 

For the past few days (Saturday was the exception), I felt like I had nothing worth saying, nothing worth sharing.  Intellectually, I may understand that isn’t true.  But the inner child throws a tantrum and wails that she doesn’t want to write.  Stomp! Stomp!  She just wants to retreat to her room (real or imaginary) and read, read, read. 

Not that reading is bad.  A good writer is always reading ~ it’s one way we hone our craft.  But we shouldn’t read to the detriment of our writing.

The other reason it is good to push and write through the bad days, is that by the very act of writing and documenting my depression ~ the highs, the lows, the insecurities, the deep sad ~ I keep the writing muscle in play.

Think of any exercise regimen.  There are days you want to stop ~ you’re bored, you’re tired, you’re busy ~ but if you do stop, it’s more difficult to get back on the treadmill, into the pool, etc.  And lose you some of the ground you’ve gained.

The same can be said of writing.  Writing every day ~ even if it’s crappy writing ~ keeps the ink flowing.  And I have to remind myself of this during periods like this ~ when I feel like an utter failure and like the poorest writer on the planet.  Eventually, I’ll prove myself wrong on that score, and write more things I’m proud of.

I just need to make sure I’m prepared to gather the wheat when it ripens.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

How do you capture ideas on the run? Do you find that writing helps you deal with your depression or other form of mental illness?