Ch-Ch-Changes: Saying Goodbye to La Belle. . . .

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.
There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want.
You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.
We can make the best or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it….I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

~ Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay

C

hange.  More often than not, I have viewed change as a dirty word.

Chaotic.

Disruptive.

Unsettling.

Uncertain.

Tradition, on the other hand, was always viewed as sacred.

Stable.
Secure.

Safe.

Routine.

You find more of this lopsided outlook in families where there is emotional or mental instability, I would wager.  I certainly grew up waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It’s only natural then that for many years, I viewed change as something to be avoided at all costs.

After I turned forty, I began to see change as cleansing.  Always slightly chaotic at first, but with the potential to grow into something quite necessary and beautiful.

Not all traditions are worth keeping. 

Not all changes are worth accepting.

But both are worth exploring.

When I began this blog in October 2005, I had no idea what I was doing.  I had the desire and the need to write and share my thoughts, but no clear direction.  I wrote whatever I felt like writing about, hit publish, and went on to the next topic.  And while the pieces of all my true passions are still here, the overall picture they form isn’t as coherent as I’d like it to be.

© lilkar_123rf.com

Still, I struggled with guilt and doubt.  

Was I failure because I no longer wanted to keep writing on this platform?  Is this just my ADD talking and will I regret starting something new somewhere else?

I suppose I could simply do another re-vamp of the site like I did a few years ago.  But the canvas doesn’t feel like the right size anymore.  I feel like using different paints and techniques this time around.  And I really want to start from scratch and build something new.

So I won’t be updating this blog anymore (big shocker, I know).  I don’t know when the new one will be up and public, but I will post one last time here to let you know.

It has been an incredible learning and growing experience here at La Belle these past eleven years and I'm so grateful for each of reader and friend that has accompanied me on this journey.  I hope you will be with me as I begin the next phase of my writing adventure.

See y’all on the other side!

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Posts on La Belle are written with the following fonts: Georgia, Times New Roman, Vivaldi, Edwardian, and occasionally Baroque Script.

Letting Go: Lessons from Kodiak and a Photography Party

You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better.

~ C. JoyBell C.

The Harvester Island Wilderness Workshop was incredible.  I went to write with 11 strangers, and I left with 15 new friends.  In the coming weeks, I’ll be posting my photos and thoughts on the workshop and on the beauties of Kodiak, Alaska.

I

am torn.

Ever since I returned from Harvester Island, I have felt pulled in two opposing directions:

Move clear across the country and live with a view of mountains.

Move further out to the country, but stay within driving distance of friends and family.

My week in Alaska was a gift, a break from the stress and emotional drain of living with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It was therapeutic as well ~ I haven’t cried that much in a long time (except maybe in my therapist’s office).  The unconditional acceptance and yes, love that I experienced from my fellow writers was surprising and healing.

And the views.  You know I’m going to mention the views.

 

But in addition to the peace and tranquility, my time cuddled in Kodiak’s majestic embrace also gave rise to some tough, potentially life-changing questions: 

Have I become too complacent?

Do I need to make a change geographically?

Do I want to move away from all I've known for a good reason? Or as an escape?

If I do move, do I have the strength to be a wayfarer for a little while?

All of these questions involve letting go: of old defense mechanisms, of old ways of thinking. Letting go of guilt - both real and imagined and that was placed on me by others.  Of old fears and self-imposed obstacles that kept my heart stagnate and locked behind a fortress so old and impenetrable, even my rusty key didn’t work anymore.

And then the winds of Uyak Bay blew around and through me, clearing my head of all those mental and emotional dust bunnies.  The Alaskan sun danced off the water and burned away the soot of fear and the broken bits of my past.  The beauty of the mountains and the ocean and the wildlife grabbed me by the heart and shook all those old locks and bars until they crumbled at my feet. 

It was both exhilarating and scary as hell.

I don’t like change.  I don’t know anyone who does (well, except one of my sisters ~ she seems to move every quarter).  Change for change’s sake is not always a wise thing.  But change because it is time and nothing, absolutely nothing, can truly remain static ~ that kind of change is an impetus for growth. 

That kind of change also means that I will have to let go of something good in order to embrace something better.  I don’t have any answers to those questions yet.  So my meditation and self-reflection for the next 5½ months is that no matter where the road takes me, I will be able to accept it with peace and humility.

And the strength to remain present to the journey.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

This post was inspired by the Abbey of the Arts Photography Party.  If you would like to join us on this visual meditation, post your photo at the link above, or join the Holy Disorder of Dancing Monks on Facebook.

An Old Fashioned Meme: Seven Years Later

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy;

for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;

we must die to one life before we can enter another. 
~ Anatole France

In August, I’m participating in BlogHer’s Blogging Challenge.  The theme this month is: Hot.

R

emember when a meme was a list of questions you answered and then tagged a bunch of friends to also answer?

I found one I participated in seven years ago.  For fun, I decided to do it again.  Interesting to see how my answers have changed.  Some things I said seven years...well, some lifestyle changes have been made since then.

What were you doing 10 years ago?

That would have been 2003.  The only event that I can remember without my 2003 journal nearby (this is why journaling is good!) is that I was in a relationship with a man who was living a lie and knowingly leading me on.  Ten years later, I still have rare moments where I want to just punch him.  Mostly, I’ve moved on to forgiving my younger self for ignoring all the red flags.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

A year ago today, I was trying to eat all the tomatoes my first garden was producing and preparing for the fall planting.

Five snacks you enjoy:

1. Kombucha (well, I guess it’s technically not a snack)

2. Raw Coconut Macaroons

3. Fresh basil with tomatoes

4. Chocolate-covered Gojii berries

5. Iced Cold-Brewed Coffee with Coconut Milk Creamer

Five songs you know all the words to:

1. The Highwayman (Loreena McKennitt)

2. Sleepsong (Secret Garden)

3. Better Dig Two (The Band Perry)

4. Jacob’s Dream (Alison Krauss)

5. You Are Water (Hayley Westenra)

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1.  Pay all my medical bills

2.  Either buy my childhood home or a B&B with an organic farm connected to it.

3.  Visit Alaska 2-3 times a year

4.  Buy a Steinway concert grand (this is still true seven years later)

5.  Pay all the bills for a friend I know is struggling

Five bad habits:

1. Not writing every day (this one from 2006 still gets me, but it’s not as bad because I keep signing up for these writing challenges!)

2. Hitting the snooze button

3-5. 2006’s answer still stands: this is not a talk show.

Five things you enjoy doing:

1. Reading (which oddly didn’t make it on the list in 2006)

2. Spending time with friends (still true)

3. Writing essays for my blog

4. Gardening

5. Hiking waterfalls

Five things you would never wear again:

Seriously?

Five favorite toys:

1. My baby grands – yep, 2 of them (still true, although it’s been a YEAR since I’ve touched that type of keyboard)

2. Pen and ink collection (still true)

3. Kindle App on my smarty-pants phone

4. Roads of Rome I, II, and III

5. Is Netflix a toy?  Well, it’s a favorite.  I’ve gotten through 4 seasons of ST:NG on there, and was introduced to BBC’s Sherlock.  That is all.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Did you do a meme like this years ago?  How have your answers changed or remained the same?

Growing More than Organic Food: a Weekly Series on Hobby Farming

Children have more need of models than of critics. 

~ Carolyn Coats

I

 t has been nine months since I moved back to my childhood home.  Appropriately so, as it has been a time of growth, change, and preparation for the next phase of my life.

Originally, I moved back to help my mother care for my aging father ~ a move I hoped would be temporary as his health improved.  All in all, my father’s health is good for an eighty-eight year old.  And to be brutally honest, moving back in with your parents after living on your own for over a decade is. . .ahem. . .challenging.

Psychology will tell you that a child is not fully accepted by her parents as being an adult (read: having a brain) until she either reaches thirty-eighty or becomes a parent herself.  Obviously, Dr. Psych has not met my parents!  I do not have any children, but I am almost to the age mile marker.  But one would think to hear them speak to me that I am still thirteen!   This has made my dreams for the house and the land more difficult to realize.

I was tempted to give up before even getting started. 

However, living a sustainable lifestyle and eating food I have grown myself is something I am passionate about.  So my plan is to plow ahead (pun totally inteneded) and see far I get ~ one planting season at a time.  With that in mind, I am starting this weekly series on hobby farming ~ a series that is about personal growth, joy, change, challenges, and heartache as much as it is about sustainability, organic farming, and home-grown food.

I hope you can join me on my latest adventure.  I could sure use the positive company!

Next week: pictures of the first phase of the garden.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Do you have aging parents?  What are some of your challenges in caring for them?

Playing Dress Up: Spring is Bustin' Out All Over!

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes.  Art is knowing which ones to keep. 

~ Scott Adams

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astels are traditional seen as the official shades of Spring, but the flowers and shrubs now blooming in my yard are all eye-popping, bada-bing colours.   Colour, no matter what the shade, always captivates me.  But there is something about the this time of year, when the earthy browns and sleepy greys of winter surrender the stage to the candy apple reds, watermelon pinks, lemon yellows, blood oranges, robins’ egg blues, and fresh-mown grass greens of spring. 

It brings out the ADD decorator in me.

The grey plaid flannel sheets come off the four-poster and the yellow and blue cotton sheets go on.  The blankets get washed and packed away in the cedar chest [yes, some of us still have those!] and the light weight cotton blankets are taken to the orchard to air out.  The cranberry red and gold damask curtains in the office come down and the white and red floral cotton prints go up.

But the cleaning and decorating brushes are in full force outside my castle walls as well.

Here in blogdom, gone is the pumpkin orange background and chocolate brown font.  I love those colours, but I was bored with them.  Time for something springy and fresh, yet bold and still my signature.  And red is definitely my signature.

The background photo was taken by Canadian photographer, Zadenka Darula.  I found it on the 123rf.com website ~ my go to place for reasonably priced stock photos.  And some are real works of art, like Darula’s flower.

I revel in the redness and aliveness of it!

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Like it? Love it? Hate it? Don’t give a rats bottom?  Comment and let me know!

New Series and a Poll

Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. 

~ E.L. Doctorow

I

t has been seven months since I moved back to the family homestead.  It has been an interesting journey so far and it isn’t over yet!  I have been jotting down notes, thoughts, rants, and raves since September, but I haven’t shared them yet.

Part of the reason is that I am still processing things.  But life is about processing ~ it doesn’t end until our life does.  Sometimes part of processing is sharing that process itself with others, receiving encouragement and respectful and loving criticism, and giving encouragement and hope to another’s journey.

The other reason is I haven’t been sure where the proper forum for sharing those thoughts and lessons learned is.  This blog is mainly about art and culture, which can cover a broad number of topics ~ fine art, performing art, food, manners, poetry, etc. 



Spring has Sprung! Lilacs in my backyard - photo by Mikaela D.

But sharing my experiences in choosing to move back with the family and the trials and joys that go with that choice, as well as trying to realize my dream of starting an organic and sustainable hobby farm ~ is that an art?  It could certainly fit in with the discussion of culture. I know several bloggers whose passions led them to create different blogs: Joanna over at The Art of Everyday Wonder, for instance, has a couple of blogs that cover related but different subjects.

Now, I don’t write just for the heck of it.  Ok, maybe I do ~  I can’t not write.  However, I don’t share my writing just for the heck of it.  You, dear readers, are the reason I post.  And since I can’t decide, and this journey is too crazy and fun not to share, I’m going to leave it up to you!  On the right, you will see that I created a poll.  It will be open until April, Friday the 13th [mwhahahaha!] 

Vote early and vote often!  And get your dead relatives and friends to vote too!

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Almost Back to Normal

How hard it is to escape from places.  However carefully one goes they hold you - you leave little bits of yourself fluttering on the fences - like rags and shreds of your very life. 

~ Katherine Mansfield

Some major changes have taken place in my life in the past month and a half.  I jumped head first into planning the Eighth Annual Saint Cecilia Arts Festival; witnessed my best friend, Sullivan, get married [to a friend of mine that he asked out after the Arts Festival in 2009!]; was furloughed for two weeks; did a ten day raw food juice detox; and moved back to the country to live with my parents so I could help my mom out with my dad, who will be eighty-eight this year.

Both the detox and the move were game changers on many levels.  For one thing, I discovered first hand that you never really know how much "stuff" you  have until you try to pack it!  Freecycle became my friend ~ I gave away so much stuff, and it became so cathartic, I started looking around the house for more things to just give away!  I even donated my car!

But I don't think I could have considered decluttering my house [and subsequently my life] and make the decision to move, if I had not first gone through the physical detox.  So I'll be posting a few articles on my experience and some recipes in the coming weeks.  And since I've moved back to the country, I'll also be sharing with you my re-connection with the land, and what it is like to come home ~ literally! ~ after an eleven year absence.

I look forward to reconnecting with you!

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela