Top Five Friday: Find Peace Among the Pieces

A lot of the conflict you have in your life exists simply because you're not living in alignment; you're not being true to yourself.

~ Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

In August, I’m participating in BlogHer’s Blogging Challenge.  The theme this month is: Hot.

I

needed to get away.  Wrap myself in a security blanket of silence and solitude. 

For years, I thought that if I just lived in a another house, another city, made more money, or had a different job, then all the pieces of me that were missing or mangled, would magically realign.

Forget karma.  Truth can be a mis-spelled witch too.

Different Venue, Same Voices

I got my wish.  I went away for a week here, a few days there.  Finally, I could relax the emotional security system that is usually on 24/7.  I didn’t have to guard every word ~ there were no fragile psyches that would shatter under illusions and misinterpretations.  I didn’t have to school myself to ignore criticism and venom-dipped accusations ~ I just had to battle with the demon of self-criticism.

It was a battle I lost.

The old adage, “Wherever you go, there you are” is true.  The issues you are struggling with don’t stay behind when you change locations.  And if you change locations to somewhere quiet and distraction-free?  Well, those issues come out, take center stage, and do an agonizing song and dance for an audience of one.

At first, I was shocked:

I’m too smart for this ~ I should be able to think myself out of this. 

Then I was angry:

WTF?!  Can I get no peace!? She’s ruined me!

Then despair slouched in:

I’m doomed to have no peace, not even from myself.  I might as well give in and sleep.  Or watch whatever mindless marathon is on TV.  Or engage in (insert favorite self-destructive behavior here).

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em…

Image Credit: Pinterest

It wasn’t until the second week of my “escapation” that I shook off the despondency.  This is me, this is who I am: a broken, mildly dysfunctional human being.  Ha!  Welcome to the world, babe.  You are just like everyone else.  Except. . .that there are tools at my disposal that can help ease the wherever-you-go blues, if not cure them.

Friends

Getting out with my close friends does wonders for the psyche.  Do they make any problems I’m grappling with go away?  No, but they remind me that I am lovable, capable, and worth the struggle.

A word of warning: some people will say they are your friends.  But in reality, you are just a stand in for the parental or other authority figure they currently hate/have issues with.  Friends are there to be supportive, loving, and accepting.  They are not meant to be a cheap substitute for a therapist.  That’s not healthy for either of you.

Journaling

If I need to learn something, I have to write it down ~ the act of writing and seeing it in black and white triggers something in my brain.  The words on the page become part of my memory, and in turn, part of me.  Sometimes I write things down that seem dramatic and insane.  And when I go back and read it again, I see how petty or small the problem really is.

Journaling is a great tool for learning yourself.  And self-knowledge is one of the keys to self-actualization and healing.  As Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Mother Nature

Even if you are a city slicker born and bred, there is something about getting out in the open air.  Parks are fine, but to really benefit from the healing properties of nature, it has to be a BIG park, where the trees and wildlife outnumber people.  I know I can’t be the only one who has gained strength by hiking or sitting near a waterfall.  The earth is constantly healing itself and I believe that some of that power transfers to us when we immerse ourselves in it.

Prayer

We all long for something other.  Just look at how popular paranormal fiction has become in recent years.  Your desire for something greater than yourself may take different forms.  But the desire is there.  Address that Higher Power and let them have it.  Yell, scream, throw things, cry.  And then ask that Higher Power to fill the empty spaces and lead you to a better version of yourself.

Therapy

I don’t know why so many people are afraid of shrinks.  We talk to our hair stylists, bartenders, friends, lovers, even our pets.  But we refuse to talk to someone trained to listen and help us work through issues?  You wouldn’t refuse to go get a broken leg set by a doctor ~ why are you refusing to get your broken life healed?

Granted, there are a lot of quacks out there.  I’ve known some therapists who ruined people or at the least, kept them in a state of brokenness.  But again, just because some doctors are guilty of malpractice doesn’t mean you sit at home with an infected appendix. 

Do some research, ask friend for referrals, and interview the doctor once you meet them, you can feel out whether they’re legit and a good fit for you.

Misery loves company ~ you’re not alone.  But the key is that we don’t have to stay miserable.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

How do you deal with stress?  Have you ever tried to alleviate emotional pain in any of these five ways?  Did it help?

Spock vs. John Muir: Reconnecting Our Humanity

My daily use of technological communication has been shaping me into someone more likely to forget others. . . . The more distracted we become, and the more emphasis we place on speed at the expense of depth, the less likely and able we are to care.
~ Jonathan Safran Foer, novelist, Middlebury College Commencement Address 

This is the second in a series of posts exploring the current debate over technology and its effects, if any, on social behavior. ~ MD

D

oes our use of technology make it easier to connect? Or easier to remain isolated? 

As I mentioned last week, I recently  read three articles that sparked some thought on the tech vs. non-tech debate.  Or as I like to call it Spock vs. John Muir.  Last week’s post focused on the possible economic implications to technology ~ or more accurately, our dependence on it. 

This week, I want to look at the social implications. 

More Connected?

Author Jonathan Safran Foer’s commencement address to Middlebury College was excerpted in the New York Times on 9 June 2013 and he describes a personal encounter with an oft-cited result of our technological dependence. 

A couple of weeks ago, I saw a stranger crying in public….A girl, maybe 15 years old, was sitting on the bench opposite me, crying into her phone.

Such an encounter might not happen on a daily basis, but I know I’ve been in Foer’s situation before.  And I wondered ~ as he did ~ what I should do. 

I was faced with a choice: I could interject myself into her life, or I could respect the boundaries between us. Intervening might make her feel worse, or be inappropriate. But then, it might ease her pain, or be helpful in some straightforward logistical way.

And when faced with this choice, what do most of us modern men and women do?  We retreat into  a cocoon of apparent “busyness” with our tech gadgets which enable us  

to retreat into the scrolling names of one’s contact list, or whatever one’s favorite iDistraction happens to be. Technology celebrates connectedness, but encourages retreat. The phone didn’t make me avoid the human connection, but it did make ignoring her easier in that moment, and more likely, by comfortably encouraging me to forget my choice to do so.

The key here is that technology doesn’t make us do anything.  It’s inanimate.  What it does is enable isolation.  For instance, I have been known to take my smarty pants phone with me while standing in line at lunch or at the train station.  It functions as an insta-wall:  if my eyes are glued to the screen, reading emails, texts, or e-books, then I avoid eye contact with you.  And if I avoid eye contact with you, then I avoid making a connection with you.  If I avoid a connection with you, then I avoid the possibility of you rejecting me.  I know, sad but true.

I’m still a ninth grader inside.

Admit it.  You’ve done it too!  Maybe for different reasons.  Maybe not.  But if we’re honest, most of those reasons are rooted in fear, rash judgment, or plain old laziness.  As Foer says,  

Each step “forward” has made it easier, just a little, to avoid the emotional work of being present, to convey information rather than humanity.

But I wasn’t always like this.

When I Was Your Age. . .

Once upon a time, before wifi was invented…

No!

…and the internet was dial up

Ugh!

…there were telephones and snail mail.

Huh? 

Would you stop interrupting?  Can’t you just sit still and listen to me!?

Of cour…oh, wait, I just got a text…

You are either laughing or sighing.  Because you have all experienced this or done it yourselves.  I know  I’m guilty.  So guilty in fact, that when my girlfriends and I had our pictures taken professionally, they insisted on a shot of them glaring at me while I played on my phone.

Best. Picture. Ever.

But a couple of years ago, I would have been the one glaring.  I was a smarty pants phone hold out.  And to continue my story, when I was an underclassman, when I wanted to connect with my friends and loved ones, I either picked up the phone (a landline no less ~ I know ~ the horror!) or a pen.

And I have to say, I was better for it.

Not to toot my own horn, but bwaaamp! I was a good friend.  I stayed on the phone for hours (drove my mother nuts), and wrote sheets and sheets of letters with poetic prose that would make Emerson weep with joy (well maybe not Emerson.  More like, Anne Shirley?)  I was already well-read, and with the liberal arts education I was imbibing, I was becoming well-rounded in history, philosophy, and theology as well ~ and it showed in my letters and in my conversation.

Granted, nowadays, I don’t have the precious time I had back then to focus just on learning and relationships.  And although a full course load is nothing to sneeze at, it’s a lot different from making sure you have money to put food in your mouth, and keep a roof over your head.

 © Teerawut Masawat

Yet, when I unplug from technology, even if only for a day, I feel calmer.  I’m able to focus on the task at hand.  My thoughts don’t race like they’re in the Indy 500.  And if you ask those around me, they’ll tell you I’m not as short-tempered.  It’s not a magic formula of course ~ there are other factors at play in this temporary transformation.  But the silencing of technology is one of those factors.

Treating the Root Cause

Okay.  So unplugging for a while is a good thing.  But why do we plug in to begin with?  We need to stop treating this issue like we’re Western doctors (and I’m not completely knocking Western medicine here, so don’t start): healing the root cause and not just the symptom.

Let’s go back to something Foer said in his address: 

to avoid the emotional work of being present

And there it is.

Remember that one of my reasons for retreating into my cyber-shell is fear of rejection?  We all share it.  It’s part of what makes us human.  Relationships are difficult.  And messy.  And painful.  But they can also be affirming.  Healing.  Joyful. This isn’t a virtual world.  Things break, including hearts.  But that doesn’t mean the solution is to make your heart unbreakable.  

…most people are not crying in public, but everyone is always in need of something that another person can give, be it undivided attention, a kind word or deep empathy. There is no better use of a life than to be attentive to such needs.

And that means that sometimes we turn the phone off, we look our loved ones in the eye, and we give them our undivided attention. 

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Have you noticed a diminished attention span in either yourself or those around you?  Do you use technology as a defense?

Growing More than Organic Food: a Weekly Series on Hobby Farming

Children have more need of models than of critics. 

~ Carolyn Coats

I

 t has been nine months since I moved back to my childhood home.  Appropriately so, as it has been a time of growth, change, and preparation for the next phase of my life.

Originally, I moved back to help my mother care for my aging father ~ a move I hoped would be temporary as his health improved.  All in all, my father’s health is good for an eighty-eight year old.  And to be brutally honest, moving back in with your parents after living on your own for over a decade is. . .ahem. . .challenging.

Psychology will tell you that a child is not fully accepted by her parents as being an adult (read: having a brain) until she either reaches thirty-eighty or becomes a parent herself.  Obviously, Dr. Psych has not met my parents!  I do not have any children, but I am almost to the age mile marker.  But one would think to hear them speak to me that I am still thirteen!   This has made my dreams for the house and the land more difficult to realize.

I was tempted to give up before even getting started. 

However, living a sustainable lifestyle and eating food I have grown myself is something I am passionate about.  So my plan is to plow ahead (pun totally inteneded) and see far I get ~ one planting season at a time.  With that in mind, I am starting this weekly series on hobby farming ~ a series that is about personal growth, joy, change, challenges, and heartache as much as it is about sustainability, organic farming, and home-grown food.

I hope you can join me on my latest adventure.  I could sure use the positive company!

Next week: pictures of the first phase of the garden.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Do you have aging parents?  What are some of your challenges in caring for them?