Toxic Relationships: Calling It Quits on Our Bad Habits

It can be difficult to leave a long-term relationship, even when our inner-wisdom tells us it's time to let go. At this point, we can choose let go and endure the intense pain of leaving behind the familiar to make way for a new chapter in our life. Or we can stay and suffer a low-grade pain that slowly eats away at our heart and soul, like an emotional cancer. Until we wake up, one day and realize, we are buried so deep in the dysfunction of the relationship that we scarcely remember who we were and what we wanted and needed to be.

~ Jaeda DeWalt

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

R

elationships define us.

You’re someone’s child, possibly someone’s parent, someone’s aunt or uncle.  A boss.  An employee.  A coach.

Even as a writer, I have a relationship with you, my readers.

Sometimes these relationships are good: healthy, integrated, interdependent.  Sometimes, they’re toxic: shattered, abusive, codependent, even addictive.

This pretty much sums up my relationship with food. . .and my health.

Mental WWE

It’s been proven time and again that the mind has great power over the body.  Grief can produce fatigue, insomnia, lack of appetite.  Joy produces more endorphins, ups our energy, makes our skin glow.

For some of us, however, our mental/emotional health is in a fight to the death with our physical health.  Or more accurately, in a fight with our habits.

And let’s face it, some of those habits are downright toxic.

For instance, I eat when I’m bored.  I eat when I’m depressed.  I eat when I’m hungry.  I eat when I’m full.  But when you really look at it, 9 times out of 10, I eat when I’m bored.

The Root of All Evil. . .Er, Toxic Habits

As with any unhealthy habits, addictions, or behaviors, to truly “cure” the disease, you have to answer the question Why.  Why do you watch five hours of television instead of talking to your spouse?  Why do you eat a dozen doughnuts when you come from a family of diabetics?  Why do you put off writing that report/proposal/book/post until you give yourself an aneurysm completing it?

In my journey towards a healthier, happier, more integrated me, I’ve discovered that they why of my eating when I’m bored had an even deeper why: why are you bored at all?

Because I’m a creative.  A smart creative with mild ADD.  The question is not do I have an idea; the question is which idea do I explore first?  And yet, I get bored.  And then I eat.  And let me tell you, when I’m bored, I don’t eat carrots and broccoli.

The answer is two-fold and I’ve already answered half of it above. 

Image credit: www.mbrozafoods.org

Having even mild ADD makes concentration and focus a challenge.  People with ADD or ADHD, can hyper-focus, that is, become completely, 100% engrossed in something.  I’ve almost missed my train home a couple of times because I was immersed in some writing or editing project.  (Once I almost missed the train as it was standing right in front of me because I was hyper-focused on downloading music on my smarty pants phone!)

But as you can see, it’s not always the something that we should be focused on at the time.

The other side to this tale of habit woe is perfectionism.  I’ve talked about this double-edged sword before, but it bears repeating:

As with all artists, the writer pours himself out in his art ~ there in bloody black and white for all to see. Once the words are on the page and published, there is no going back. . . This means that our art flows directly from our soul. It is real. It is painful. It is achingly beautiful. But it is truly our blood and bone, heart and sinew. And so if we fail to reach someone; if the observer fails to "get" us or the beauty or idea we are trying to convey, it is like singing in a darkened theatre.

You put everything into your performance and the lights go on afterwards and instead of the attentive audience you thought was there, there is only empty space. Or worse, empty stares. (The Perfect and the Real, February 2011)

And of course, what is part and parcel of perfectionism?  Fear.  Fear of failure.  Fear of rejection. Ergo, the root of my boredom is really fear.

That’s just great, Mikaela.  But now what?  How do you “dig out” that root of fear?

Now, it’s decision time.

There is Such a Thing as a Good Goodbye

I’m with Charlie Brown on this one.  I like hellos, not goodbyes.  But sometimes, in order to save one’s sanity and health, you have to call it quits.

My relationship with food right now is not healthy.  In point of fact, it’s driving my mind crazy and my body bonkers.  Because remember, I don’t eat veggies and fruit when I’m bored.  (We won’t go into what I do eat ~ I have healthy, organic friends who read this and they might die of the shock.)

When I eat when I’m bored, I can actually hear my gut saying, “What the…!?  Again!?  Lady, last time you ate that piece of bleep! we sent it back ~ with a big helping of acidy horse head complaint!  What kinda scam are ya tryin’ to pull here?!”

Who knew this Southern belle had a New Jersey digestive tract?

My biggest and number one task is tackling the fear of failure and rejection.  It’s the root that needs to be dug out.  Otherwise, like a weed, the habit never dies.  That’s one of the reasons I see my therapist regularly. 

But I can’t just sit back and wait for the cognitive and dialectical behavior therapy to take.

I need to do some extra mental and physical homework on my own.  Some of these I’ve tried, some I’m still working on.  See if these might help you say goodbye to your long-term bad habit:

Get rid of all the comfort food (poison) in my house and my office.

Replace it with healthy yet fun alternatives. (I just went to Whole Foods and got a bunch – woohoo!)

Get outside.  (Now that my garden is growing, I try to visit it every day to weed, water, and walk in it.)

Get up without hitting the snooze and get in 15-20 minutes of yoga and strength training. (This one is tough ~ I am NOT a morning person.  I’m a morning growly grounchy-pants.)

Write.  Write everything.  Journal the good, the bad, the ugly, the insane.

Spend time with supportive friends.  (Just went camping with some ~ woot!)

Join a support group (haven’t tried this one yet)

Relationships define us.  But the toxic ones don’t have to anymore.  We ARE strong enough to walk away.  We ARE strong enough to form healthy, integrated relationships.  It’s just going to take some time and some hard work.

But as the wise guru Clairol reminds us, we’re worth it.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Read it again: The Perfect and the Real

Learn more about Interdependence: Psych Central

D is for Die, Diets!

If you don't take care of this the most magnificent machine that you will ever be given...where are you going to live?

~ Karyn Calabrese.

Back in January, I began the One Page a Day Challenge and immediately threw away my quill.  Now in April, I’m participating in the A to Z Blogging Challenge and prepping for a Wilderness Writers’ Retreat.  I need ink, a stiff drink and therapy.

D

is for dying.

Which is what I want to do whenever I think about the “getting in shape” part of my Kodiak prep.

There’s a reason why the word die is front and center in the word diet.

And yet, Kodiak is overrun by grizzly bears.  Bears with paw prints the size of Shaq and Michael Jordan’s feet combined.

They say you can’t out run a grizzly bear intent on eating you.  But I intend to outrun the dude behind me.

D is for Detox

However, in order to outpace the entrée behind me, I need to train.  And before I prep the outside,  I need to prep my innards.  And that means a detox.

Juice All the Greens!

Image Credit: Grumpy When Hungry

Now, I’m no doctor, but I do know my body, specifically my digestive tract.  I know what makes it happy and able to process vitamins and nutrients; what materials it works best with to give me energy.  And what “foods” make it cringe in disgust and clench up in agony.

I also read a lot of nutritional books and articles, and I have a naturopath doctor when I have more technical questions about my eating habits. (See how I avoided that die word there?)

So, a detox I must do.  Preferably one involving green juices and smoothies, and fresh, organic fruits and veggies (for the fiber).  I was doing pretty good with this last year until the summer.

And then it all fell apart.

Why Diets Don’t Work

When I say the word diet, what is the first thing that comes to mind?

Jeopardy theme plays in the background.

Okay, got your answers?  Here are mine:

Crash.

Overweight.

Obese.

Out of shape.

Unhealthy.

Sad.

Not good enough.

Undesirable.

Whoa.  Wait, what? (Dude, today is D not W ~ chill out!)  Looks like more than just the digestive tract needs to be detoxed. 

Looks like the amygdala needs some work too!

The Heart of Our Relationship. . .with Food

The reason diets don’t work is simple: they don’t get to the heart of why we’re unhealthy and out of shape in the first place.  This has been my issue with how people with addictions are treated today.

Why do we do the things we do?

To answer that question takes courage.  Because it means we have to sit down, look ourselves in the eye, and be brutally honest.  And not just honest about why we do the unhealthy things we do.  But whether we’re willing to change, and what we’re going to do to make that change a reality.

I’ll be honest with you.  For the past seven or eight months, I have felt like a complete fraud and failure.  I spent years figuring out what is best for my body; I researched GMOs, organic farming, sustainability, and the benefits of a plant-based lifestyle.

But it wasn't enough.  So I did some experiments ~ I tried cutting out the big intolerance issue foods: gluten, dairy, eggs.  Once I discovered that eating gluten and dairy were like putting my digestive system in the Iron Maiden, I quit cold turkey.  It was painful, but not nearly as painful as the consequences of eating the stuff.

Life was good.  I hired a personal trainer, began building up my strength, even lost some weight.

And in 2013 it all went to hell.

To be continued…

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Have you ever done a detox?  Why or why not?  What worked for you?

Top Five Friday: Gluten-Free Detox and Loving It!

Chemicals, n:  Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 
~ Author Unknown

 

F

ood is medicine.

This is a truth that has come home to roost in a very real way for me.  Back in January, I had my gall bladder removed after getting through the majority of 2012 gallstone (and therefore pain) free.  Despite another detox, the emergency room doctors determined that my GB was infected.  So out it came.

Knowing that over 30% of people who have it removed experience similar symptoms, I resolved to focus on not just changing my diet, but changing my lifestyle so that I would not be one of the thirty-plus percent.

Apparently, I didn’t change it enough.

Since January, I have had some interesting symptoms pop up that, while directly caused by my lack of a gall bladder, my naturopath thinks they are related to my liver.  This isn’t a huge surprise, since the gall bladder and the liver are neighbors and rely on each other.  And getting the liver back on track is related to diet.

And one of the most common culprits in food-related health and wellness, is gluten.  Gluten is defined as:

1. The mixture of proteins, including gliadins and glutelins, found in wheat grains, which are not soluble in water and which give wheat dough its elastic texture.

2. Any of the prolamins found in cereal grains, especially the prolamins in wheat, rye, barley, and possibly oats, that cause digestive disorders such as celiac disease.

So, she put me on a 21-Day Gluten-Free detox.  She also included all grains (so no rice-based gluten-free products), anything processed (which is a no-brainer), and anything white (potatoes, rice, sugar).  My friends ask with utter horror: “What in the world is left for you to eat!?”

Quite a lot actually.

Goody Brain vs. Brat Brain

Someone once said that if you want to eat healthy, shop only on the perimeter of the grocery store and not in the middle.  Which boils down to 3 sections: Produce, Meat, and Dairy.  I am dairy-intolerant, so that leaves produce and meat.  In the produce section, I can eat as many veggies as I want (and I juice quite a bit of it) and up to two fruits a day (even fruit has naturally occurring glucose, i.e. sugar, so it isn’t good to consume copious amounts of it every day).

In the meat department, she banned me from eating chicken ~ something about arsenic.  So pork loin and lean red meat it is.  Yay ~ I love meat.  So basically: lots of veggies, a little fruit, and a little meat.  Not bad.

Plus, it’s only for 21 days, people!

However, my amygdala loves bread, and although I have gone the gluten-free route before, even the substitutes were forboten in the 21 day period.  So Ms. Amygdala proceeded to kick, scream, and throw a general hissy fit.  She even (cough) pushed me off the wagon once or twice.

Damn, my amygdala is such a brat sometimes!

As much as it pains my inner culinary diva to admit it, though, my naturopath was right.  Today is Day 18 and I feel really good.  Better than I was when I went to see her three weeks ago.  Not quite ready to run a marathon, but I definitely have more energy and the blues are easier to beat.  I even signed up for a dance class! Go me!

So today, I’m sharing with you my top gluten-free, grain-free, dairy-free recipes that don’t taste like sawdust or dirt.

Pistachio Encrusted Salmon

In my quest for yummy gluten-free recipes, I recently discovered Gluten Free Girl and the Chef.  She has dairy free recipes as well (yay!)  And I love wild Alaskan salmon ~ which is a very good mood booster.  Not a huge fan of soy, so I substituted black beans for the edamame.

Butternut Squash and Coconut Curry

Yummly reminds me of Punchfork and Foodgawker.  This recipe is phenom ~ it has butternut squash, it has curry, it as coconut ~ what’s not to love!?  During this detox, I of course didn’t have the rice.  Don’t need it, it’s yumalicious all by itself.

Melissa’s Medicinal Soup

Another great gluten-free find, Gluten Free for Good has some incredible recipes.  I love this one; but since I’m not eating chicken or white potatoes right now, I substituted vegetable broth, and added another sweet potato. 

Slow Cooker Vegan Black Been Curry

 WAnother curry recipe I know, but I love it!  And this one from Kalyn’s Kitchen is doubly awesome because I can put it in the crock pot and have ready to eat when I get home!

Lemon Thyme Pine Nut Cheesecake

Who says gluten-free and raw have to be boring?  Rawmazing is still my go-to gal for all things raw, healthy, and yummy.  This recipe is no different.

Healthy eating today is nothing like it was back in the 1970s ~ do you remember carob powder?!  Today we focus on taste as much as nutrition.  And we gluten-free-ites eat pretty darn well.  Who knows ~ I go gluten-free forever!

Just don’t tell Ms. Amygdala.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Share your gluten-free recipes here!