The Serrated Edge of Criticism: How to Wound Your Loved Ones

There is a magnificent, beautiful, wonderful painting in front of you!

It is intricate, detailed, a painstaking labor of devotion and love!

The colors are like no other, they swim and leap, they trickle and embellish!

And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the small fly which has landed on it!

Why do you do such a thing?

~ C. JoyBell C.

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month.  Join me in blogging to erase the stigma of mental illness so our loved ones can seek the help they need.

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riticism has a serrated edge like no other.  It cuts deep and leaves jagged wounds.

I’m not talking about literary criticism. 

Or the critic a writer asks her beta readers to give her.

Or the critique of a fine wine or good restaurant.

I’m talking about negative criticism that tears down confidence, shreds self-esteem, batters the heart, and breaks the spirit.

But I Say This Because I Love You…

The problem with most of us is that we speak before we think.  We eagerly leap to correct someone without getting all the facts (Facebook, anyone?).  We delight in pointing out flaws ~ either character, moral, or simply “You missed a spot there.”

And we usually brush off any pain caused by our omniscient fault-finding by saying “I’m only trying to help.  Don’t you want to be better/turn in a good report/do your best?”

No one is more guilty of this than parents.

I know.  Many of my friends are parents and will probably cry foul.  “But Junior is doing X, Y, and Z!  How else am I to raise an upstanding citizen?!  He has to learn right and wrong.”

True, he does.  No one wants to raise the next criminal mastermind.  But will your negative words really inspire him to greatness?  Has yelling, screaming, or insulting ever produced healthy, integrated results?

 

Words credit: Handsfreemama.com
Image credit: Google

No.  It produces broken, anxious people.

Nine times out of ten, when we are frustrated with someone ~ be they a child or another adult ~ it’s not because we love them. 

It’s because we love our ideals and they aren’t living up to them. 

Now, does this mean that children shouldn’t be taught right from wrong?  Of course not!  But teaching them manners and morals doesn’t have to be done at the cost of their dignity and self-esteem.

Rachel Stafford over at Hands Free Mama has an excellent article today on this very topic: To Build (or Break) A Child’s Spirit.  She admits to being that negative parent and talks about the devastating effect it had on her daughter.  She ceased to see her as her own person, and became either a project to be worked on and perfected.  Or a nuisance to be dealt with.

She was so focused on the fly that she stopped seeing the beautiful work of art.

Happily, she realized the damage she was doing and changed the way she interacted with her child.  And her daughter blossomed again.

Accident Forgiveness for All

How many of us grew up in a home where no matter what we did, it was never good enough?  Or where we were “too much” ~ too loud, too quiet, too energetic, too lethargic, etc.

I may be a grown woman, with years of experience and accomplishments behind me, but even today, both my parents (although my mother is much worse about it) still find fault with everything I do or say. I tried confronting her about once, but that is another story for another day (or a whole chapter in my memoir).  Suffice it to say, my own criticism didn’t go over very well.

One of my co-workers has a sign on her wall that says

You cannot live wanting mercy for yourself
and judgment for others.

And yet that’s how most of us live, isn’t it?  We want everyone else to be perfect, but if we screw up, we want immediate and unconditional “accident forgiveness.”

Isn’t it time we started granting some accident forgiveness to others ~ as well as ourselves?

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

There’s an old poem that starts out “if a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.”  Read it, print it out, and tape it to your bathroom mirror and your back door.  Make one change in how you interact and react to others, especially your children if you have any.  See if there’s a difference in their demeanor and behavior.

The Nest: More Care and Feeding for Depressed Friends

It’s easy to minimize a person’s hurt without understanding the nature of pain. People often like to categorize how much a person should or shouldn’t hurt about things. For example, when someone is upset about something, they say, “At least you’re not paralyzed, or starving in Africa.” While it’s imperative to be grateful for what we have, I think people often mistaken the nature of pain, when they ‘categorize’ in this way. The criteria for how much something hurts is not dependent on the thing itself.

~ Yasmin Mogahed

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month.  Join me in blogging to erase the stigma of mental illness so our loved ones can seek the help they need.

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etting go of an idea ~ no matter how good it was, or might still be ~ is really okay when it’s not working for you anymore.

Oh, so you noticed no more Top Fives on Friday, have you?

Well, it began as a post idea from some blog challenge many challenges ago that was supposed to be the “easy” post.  You know ~ in case you suffer from blogger’s block, just throw a top five list together and voila!  So I picked Five, because that was substantial without being crazy and posted them on Fridays because I like alliteration.

But pretty soon my arch nemesis, Perfectionism, reared her head and suddenly, making lists became the toughest post to write.  Because I didn’t want to send you to sites I hadn’t actually visited ~ at least once.  Or recommend books I hadn’t read.  I wanted to add value to your life, not fluff.

And sometimes, when you suffer from depression (or any other mental or emotional illness), the amount of energy it takes to do that just isn’t there.

The Nest

As I was brainstorming what to talk about today, I did have some great ideas for future posts, though.  Why is my brain like that?!  Argh!

But since today is generally a kind of laid back, weekend is almost here kind of day, I try to save the not so serious posts for Friday.

Okay, fine.  This is actually an excuse for me to cruise Pinterest for hours on end and finish my beta reading project.  As well as that new Elizabeth Hunter book.

But you’ll love this anyway:

 

Image credit: Pinterest/robot-hugs.com

See?  How cute is that?! 

Aaannnd, it perfectly illustrates another aspect of care and feeding of friends with depression that I mentioned last week.  Sometimes, you just need to build us a nest.  And sometimes, you just need to curl up in there with us.

No need for grand gestures of support.  Just be creative. 

Build an old fashioned table fort with sheets like you did when you were a kid.

Get out your sleeping bags and have a movie night/slumber party.

Clear your to do list for a day and stay in your PJs all day.

Have breakfast in bed.

Buy a hammock and fill it with pillows and soft blankets and rest under the trees.

You'll comfort us (even if we don't show it) and you'll recharge your care-giver batteries too.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

What kind of “nest” would you build?  What kind of “nest” would you want built for you?

The Power of a Word: Defining 2014

Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.

~ Rudyard Kipling

Beginning in January and continuing throughout the year, I’m participating in the One Page a Day writing challenge.

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ach year, for as long as I can remember, I’ve chosen a word that would help shape and define the new year.  Sometimes, it’s been two words.  Last year, I didn’t choose one.

Perhaps that is why so much of 2013 I felt lost and uncentered.

But I have 365 (well, 364 now) brand new days to unwrap and enjoy to the fullest.  And so, yesterday, I chose a new word.   

Flexibility.

Our expectations tend to be impossibly high ~ for others, but most especially for ourselves.  And when we or our loved ones fail to live up to those expectations (some which are never even spoken aloud!), many of us become angry, frustrated, disappointed, even depressed. Some of us give up, thinking that it isn’t worth it to try, since we are bound to fail anyway.

It’s a twisted kind of pride, actually.

Pick Yourself Up, Dust Yourself Off

Because the truth is, no one is perfect.  Everyone fails.  But the great thing is, it’s temporary.  There are always triumphs and successes as well as failures.  Instead of beating ourselves up about our failures, we should learn from them, tweak what we were doing, and try again.

And in the process, we need to remember to be kind.  To others and to ourselves.

I was queen of emotional and verbal self-flagellation.  No matter what happened, no matter who may have been involved, I always blamed myself.  Negative self-talk and phrases such as “you always do that,” “you are so selfish and stupid,” and countless others, would swirl around my brain like a noxious, amorphous cloud.

Image credit: Teach the Younger Women

It was like being swept up in a tornado of worthless thoughts ~ a monster of my own making ~ with a little help from other dysfunctional people.

I say “was” because this year, I am determined to make a fresh start.  To banish those hateful words and phrases from my mind and my heart and my conversation.  To become instead, the queen of flexibility.

To be flexible is to be laid back.

To be flexible is to be kind.

To be flexible is to be understanding.

To be flexible is to let go.

Start All Over Again

I had a chance to put this mantra into practice yesterday.  My plan was to juice and start my detox.  My first mistake was turning down breakfast and when I told the person why, she said, “How long are you going to do that?  You know you’ll just fail and go back to eating junk again.  What’s the point?”

Le sigh.

I rolled my eyes, ignored her, and then later, proceeded to prove her right by eating the most wretched food known to man.

I could almost hear Monsanto rubbing their collective hands in evil glee.

But I had already chosen my word for the year.  And when I journaled later, I reflected that it was okay to start my detox on January 2nd.  That I had no one to please or answer to but myself.  And that I could choose to allow this one false start to ruin and impact the entire race.

I chose flexibility.

I chose understanding.

I chose kindness.

I chose to let go.

I chose to be laid back, and say oh well, and get myself into position to win this morning.

It’s going to be a great, flexible, year.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Do you choose a word to help you define the year?  What is your word for 2014?

La Belle's Hobby Farm: Affirming the Artist and the Gardener

‎ Every child is an artist.  The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.  ~ Pablo Picasso

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here is nothing exciting going on at the hobby farm right now.  I still haven’t planted my “Start Indoors” seeds yet, although I do have the little organic pots, the organic starter compost and the seeds.  Just need to find the time! 

Silly nine-to-five, two-hour commute time-sucker job.

But then, that’s what makes this a “hobby” farm, oui?  So here are some pictures of what’s growing around the yard:



Paperwhites - darn!  Forgot to move the bulbs this winter!



Rosemary going strong!

Lilac buds; hoping my prune job this winter helped!



Daffodils are bustin' out all over!



In other news, my maternal roommate has been “encouraging” me to give it all up: my arts work, the farm idea.  And why is she doing this?

“Too stressful.”

“Too much money.”

“You need to think about saving for your retirement.”

“I just can’t picture you as a field hand sweating in the sun.”

Oh, I don’t know.  Call me crazy, but I think some things are worth doing, even if they cause us a little pain and discomfort; especially if they bring us more joy than pain.  And honestly, if some project isn’t causing me a little bit of pull and tug here and there, then I’m going to lose interest in it and go on to something else. 

But to hear this kind of “I’m just pointing out the flaws to help you” encouragement on a weekly basis can be wearing.  Thank heavens for supportive friends – they affirm my choices and truly encourage my pursuit of beauty and nature without being blind to the flaws in that pursuit.  I only wish they were geographically closer so I could hear more of them and less of the other.

My one consolation?  As soon as I get those seeds planted and the seedlings in the ground, I’ll be too busy weeding and harvesting to hear the negative talk.

To my fellow gardeners and artists: let’s encourage one another and resolve to block out negative “helpers.”

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Remember: constant negative criticism, like water, can wear away the heart.  Feedback isn’t the problem; negatively worded feedback is. 

Uniquely You: Why Your Idea Is Worth Pursuing

There is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.
And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. 
~ Martha Graham

 

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ell me if this happens to you. 

You sit down to write, paint, compose, craft and you come up with a brilliant idea.  You’re excited, breathless, working non-stop to bring this vision to life.  And then suddenly, in the middle of the project, Doubt punches you in the face.  And you think, why am I writing/painting/composing/crafting this thing?  Surely others could write it more poetically, compose a more beautiful melody, paint it with more brilliance, or craft it with a finer skill.

You are right.

Someone else probably can and will produce a finer work of art then you will.  That doesn’t mean that you should give up on your own vision.  Giverny’s vision of a field of poppies is breathtaking.  So is Van Gogh’s Farmhouse in a Wheatfield.  Both add to the overall beauty of the Impressionist movement.  But what if one had seen the other's work and said, "Oh, I could never paint like that!  I should take up bricklaying instead."

What kind of musical culture would we have if Frank Sinatra heard Bing Crosby crooning and said, “Oh, I’ll never be able to croon like he does.  Why even try?”  We would have Bing's rendition of "Would You Like to Swing on a Star" but not Frankie's "It Had to Be You."  And we would never have heard the delightful "What a Swell Party This Is" duet they did in High Society.

Each of us is beautifully unique.  And we have a story all our own or at least, we have a way of telling a story ~ a vision that no one else has.  Even if you reach just one person with your story or your version of it, it’s worth the telling.  

So punch Doubt right back in the face and keep honing that vision, telling your story, and singing your song.  I want to hear it.

If only to know that I’m not alone

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

This particular brand of doubt is a constant bully.  He doesn’t usually punch me, he just whispers ugly things in my heart.  So I write posts like this as much to remind myself to throw him out on his ear, as to encourage other artists to do so.

Top Five Friday: Blogathon Posts of the Week!

When we need to fall back in love with words, we must return to the page.
~ Dona Bumgarner

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here were a couple of themes going around this week at the Blogathon: Monday was guest post exchange day and there was an unofficial Second Act challenge.  There were posts that made me laugh out loud, posts that made me cry in empathy, and posts that inspired me to be a better person and a better writer.  My fellow Blogathoners are so talented!  It was tough to choose just five!

Writing Habits – Guest Post on Page Lines

“Return to the page.”  Dona Bumgarner made it to my top five twice, once here as a guest post.  In this post on Page Lines, she uses meditation practice as the foundation for developing a writing habit.  Concentrate on your breathing.  When you become distracted, return to your breathing.  And for writers, writing is breathing. 

Favorite thing: That one paragraph on returning to the page ~ meditative and melodious.  Just reading it out loud is like a mantra.  Definitely going to print it out and tape it to my computer and in my journal!

As You Grow, My Wishes for You Grow – Depression Cookies

I “met” Tia Bach during last year’s Blogathon.  A beautiful mother and daughter writing team with the best looking blog I have seen so far!

As You Grow is a mother’s reflection on the wishes Tia has for her daughter on her 12^th birthday.   Beautiful advice that isn’t overly sentimental or unattainable.  All mothers would do well to read this post and write down their (unconditional!) wishes for their children. 

Favorite thing: We single ladies should especially read her first paragraph on love: it’s never too late!

Mothers, Daughters and Listening – Guest Post on Depression Cookies

Depression Cookies makes it onto today’s list for a second time, this time with a guest post from Blogathoner KateMegill.  She is the mother of four daughters and shares some lovely things she did as a mom to make sure that her daughters knew they were loved and accepted.  If only more moms were like Kate!

Favorite thing: “I’ve tried to find out how they communicate best and encourage that” and “I’ve tried to show a loving relationship with their dad.” These two things are sorely missing in our families and relationships today.  Kate, you’re my heroine!

Give Up the Life You Planned - Aubergine

The last three bloggers  on my list today all took the Second Act Challenge: writing about how you changed your life after 40.

Dona Bumgarner is on my list a second time for her post on her own blog, Abergine.  She took the Second Act challenge and wrote about quitting her stable job and becoming a writer and mom in the “second act” of her life. 

It takes a lot of courage, passion, and faith to step out of your comfort zone and begin again.  But Dona’s writing shows she made the right choice.  I’m looking forward to reading more as she grows into her new role!

Favorite thing: her financial planner saying “I give you permission to rest for awhile.”  How powerful!  And how freeing!

My Second Act – Writer Granny’s World

Nancy  J. Kopp made my Top Five last Friday and makes it again this week for this great Second Act post.  I am always amazed to hear about artists (no matter what their medium) who take up the brush, violin, pen, or potter’s wheel for the first time after the age of 45.  We always think it’s too late to follow our dreams, to live our passions.  But that simply isn’t true.  It is never too late and I am a firm believer in things happening when they happen for a reason.

Nancy got a lot of life experience under her belt and then returned to her first love: writing.  And her life experience brought a richer, more textured dimension to her writing.

Favorite thing: she took a correspondence course on writing and that’s what sparked her second act.

Finding My Way – Victoria Musgrave

Victoria Musgrave also took the Second Act challenge and her story is so inspiring it’s frightening.  Imagine working your way up the corporate communications ladder, sitting in an office with a window (something we cube dwellers long for!) pulling in a nice salary, and then chucking it all. . . .to write your memoir. 

You might as well tell me to walk off a cliff trusting that somehow you’ll sprout wings on the way down!  But she did it.  And she

Favorite thing: “I left my job and gained the time and freedom to be my fully creative self.”

My inspiration this week from all these ladies:

What have you got to lose?

Risk it

Let it Go

It’s Never Too Late

I am so honored to be a part of such a wonderfully inspiring bunch of writers and bloggers!  Thanks for inspiring my week ~ and my writing!

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

What inspired you about these posts?  What changes are you going to make because of their example?