Messengers of Healing: Drowning Out Negativity

Words are thought descriptors. They project thoughts from anonymity. They transfer thoughts into messages. Messages move the world.
~ William E. Jefferson

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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essages bombard us every day.

Buy this now – so you’re just like everyone else!  Even though you’re already in debt and the economy has stalled.

Try this pill – it cures everything!  Even though it may cause death.

Eat this burger– it’ll make you feel better!  Even though it doesn’t look anything like that in real life.

Don’t eat that butter – it’ll make you fat! Even though everyone agrees poor body image is too prevalent and eating disorders are on the rise.

And those are just the messages we hear from the outside.  The ones we tell ourselves are often even more damaging:

I’ll never get that promotion.
Why am I always so stupid?
I can never do anything right!
I am unlovable / undesirable /untouchable / unworthy.

What makes this more damaging is that while we repeat them over and over to ourselves, we sometime end up repeating them to others.

Changing the Messages We Hear
You can’t give what you don’t have.  So if we’re filled with self-loathing or feel unworthy of love, we aren’t able to love as freely or as warmly as someone who is confident in their worth.  And so the cycle of negative messages continues.

It’s been said that we can never fully erase the hateful messages we tell ourselves, and it certainly seems that way in my experience.  No matter what positive things I tell myself or that my therapist or close friends tell me, the negative ones come back ~ and hit the positive ones over the head with a big, heavy stick.

Image credit: alyssaandbrianna.blogspot.com

And yet, the only reason the ugly ones stay is because they’ve been repeated, over and over and over.  So in order to get rid of them, we have to repeat the positive ones over and over and over.   

Until they play over top the negative messages.

This process isn’t easy and it takes time.  Most of us have heard these negative messages for years, some of us since childhood.  

You can’t overcome 30, 40, or even 60 years of emotional brainwashing in just a few months or even a couple of years.

The upside to healing?  You then become a messenger of peace and positivity and stop the cycle of negativity.

As for taking that death pill with that fatty burger in that new car you can’t afford – turn off the idiot box and get outside, read a book, or spend some time with friends and family.  You can always stream a show later - minus the negative commercials.

Your awesome body and your bank account will thank you.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

What messages hold you back?  What are you doing to drown them out?

Five Minute Friday is an ever-growing group of bloggers who write for five minutes flat each Friday on the same prompt that Lisa Jo Baker posts each Thursday evening. It’s five minutes to see what comes out: not a perfect post, not a profound post, just five minutes of focused writing. Those without a blog can post their five minute piece as a comment on Lisa Jo Baker’s blog. For more details, visit Five Minute Friday.

The Serrated Edge of Criticism: How to Wound Your Loved Ones

There is a magnificent, beautiful, wonderful painting in front of you!

It is intricate, detailed, a painstaking labor of devotion and love!

The colors are like no other, they swim and leap, they trickle and embellish!

And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the small fly which has landed on it!

Why do you do such a thing?

~ C. JoyBell C.

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month.  Join me in blogging to erase the stigma of mental illness so our loved ones can seek the help they need.

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riticism has a serrated edge like no other.  It cuts deep and leaves jagged wounds.

I’m not talking about literary criticism. 

Or the critic a writer asks her beta readers to give her.

Or the critique of a fine wine or good restaurant.

I’m talking about negative criticism that tears down confidence, shreds self-esteem, batters the heart, and breaks the spirit.

But I Say This Because I Love You…

The problem with most of us is that we speak before we think.  We eagerly leap to correct someone without getting all the facts (Facebook, anyone?).  We delight in pointing out flaws ~ either character, moral, or simply “You missed a spot there.”

And we usually brush off any pain caused by our omniscient fault-finding by saying “I’m only trying to help.  Don’t you want to be better/turn in a good report/do your best?”

No one is more guilty of this than parents.

I know.  Many of my friends are parents and will probably cry foul.  “But Junior is doing X, Y, and Z!  How else am I to raise an upstanding citizen?!  He has to learn right and wrong.”

True, he does.  No one wants to raise the next criminal mastermind.  But will your negative words really inspire him to greatness?  Has yelling, screaming, or insulting ever produced healthy, integrated results?

 

Words credit: Handsfreemama.com
Image credit: Google

No.  It produces broken, anxious people.

Nine times out of ten, when we are frustrated with someone ~ be they a child or another adult ~ it’s not because we love them. 

It’s because we love our ideals and they aren’t living up to them. 

Now, does this mean that children shouldn’t be taught right from wrong?  Of course not!  But teaching them manners and morals doesn’t have to be done at the cost of their dignity and self-esteem.

Rachel Stafford over at Hands Free Mama has an excellent article today on this very topic: To Build (or Break) A Child’s Spirit.  She admits to being that negative parent and talks about the devastating effect it had on her daughter.  She ceased to see her as her own person, and became either a project to be worked on and perfected.  Or a nuisance to be dealt with.

She was so focused on the fly that she stopped seeing the beautiful work of art.

Happily, she realized the damage she was doing and changed the way she interacted with her child.  And her daughter blossomed again.

Accident Forgiveness for All

How many of us grew up in a home where no matter what we did, it was never good enough?  Or where we were “too much” ~ too loud, too quiet, too energetic, too lethargic, etc.

I may be a grown woman, with years of experience and accomplishments behind me, but even today, both my parents (although my mother is much worse about it) still find fault with everything I do or say. I tried confronting her about once, but that is another story for another day (or a whole chapter in my memoir).  Suffice it to say, my own criticism didn’t go over very well.

One of my co-workers has a sign on her wall that says

You cannot live wanting mercy for yourself
and judgment for others.

And yet that’s how most of us live, isn’t it?  We want everyone else to be perfect, but if we screw up, we want immediate and unconditional “accident forgiveness.”

Isn’t it time we started granting some accident forgiveness to others ~ as well as ourselves?

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

There’s an old poem that starts out “if a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.”  Read it, print it out, and tape it to your bathroom mirror and your back door.  Make one change in how you interact and react to others, especially your children if you have any.  See if there’s a difference in their demeanor and behavior.

Avoidance Solves Nothing - But Writing About It Might

Only fear can defeat life. . . . .

It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease.

It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it.

You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it.

Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid,

perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear

because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.

~ Yann Martel, Life of Pi

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month.  Join me in blogging to erase the stigma of mental illness so our loved ones can seek the help they need.

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voidance is one of my specialties.  Depression and anxiety only make this particular dark star of mine “shine” even brighter (Darker?  Hmmm.)

A bill is due?

Ignore it until they start threatening to take your firstborn as payment.

A report for work is needed?

Wait until the afternoon before it’s expected to begin asking people for input.

Having people over for dinner on Sunday?

Panic and rush around the grocery store on Saturday afternoon wondering what the hell you’re going to serve.

Notice some weird medical issues?

Wait until you’re writhing in pain and they have to take you to the ER.

Sign up to help X do any number of fun or helpful things.

Become so anxious the night before that you give yourself a migraine and digestive issues.

It’s Going to Take CSI to ID this Body of Problems

On a good day (or if I’m really lucky, a good string of days), bills are paid on time, reports are completed and edited and reviewed a week early, dinners are planned with clockwork precision, doctor’s appointments are made before things get tricky, and social engagements are driven to with excitement and flare.

But most “strings of days” aren’t like that.

Life ebbs and flows.  I could have a week where three days are good and two days are quiet and one day is really bad.  Other times, things cycle in the space of just 12 hours.

Today for instance, is a good day.  But it could easily go to pot.  And not the good kind.  In the morning, I felt really good.  I whipped out a clean notebook (they’re an addiction – all those blank pages!), wrote up all my “To Dos” that had been pinging my brain, and set to work getting things done.

And they aren’t tedious things.  They’re fun things.  Good things.  Actions that will help make some people’s days brighter, ease another’s stress, and make my life a little easier, and the holiday weekend more relaxing.

But then something happened.

Image credit: Sarah Brandis

I don’t know what it was.  A drop in my endorphins?  A dip in some other brain chemical?  Something I ate this morning?

Maybe it was the fact that my co-worker was in a car accident over the weekend (she’s fine!) and won’t be in until Thursday.

Maybe it’s the fact that I have to compress my work day by a couple of hours today in order to make a writing class (which is fun!)

Or maybe something on that To Do list makes me nervous. 

There are a couple of entries that assume that I’m talented in a certain area.  A couple more include making plans with people at least a few weeks in advance. And one involves spending time with a difficult person.

Ahhh.  And there it is.  Without even knowing it, my subconscious grabbed on to that event and began wringing its hands:

Why in the world did you think that was a good idea?  You do realize that instead of just “here is X amount of money – knock yourself out” you chose to go big.  Now you’re stuck with this person not just for the event, but for the drive to the event, dinner before the event, and the drive after the event.  Which by the way, will include our most hated pastime ~ sitting in traffic.  Way to go, genius!  You never think these things through, do you?  Gods, you’re an idiot.

Make Like an Ostrich and Stick It

The whispers weren’t audible.  But the drop in “warm fuzzies” was noticeable.  And so what did I do?  I avoided. 

The Internet is a great tool for the Avoider.  Forget FB and Pinterest ~ which I told you are like weed and crack.  Email is the best drug, because it makes us feel like we’re being productive.  See?  I’m answering your email about the thing.  And being all happy-happy and busy-busy. 

Not avoiding.  Nope. No avoiding going on here. Noooo.

This chart applies to any fears we may have.
Image credit: The Strangest Situation Blog

The truth is, I’m afraid.  

I’m afraid that the choice I made (regarding attending the event with said difficult person) will blow up in my face.  Unfortunately, this isn’t based in bad juju or a fantasy.  This is based on past experience.  Which again makes me call my IQ into question regarding the initial decision.

And this reminds me of a well-known fable, The Scorpion and the Frog:

A scorpion asks a frog to carry him over a river. The frog is afraid of being stung during the trip, but the scorpion argues that if it stung the frog, the frog would sink and the scorpion would drown. The frog agrees and begins carrying the scorpion, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. When asked why, the scorpion points out, “But you knew I was a scorpion.” 

I Wanna See You Be Brave

The lesson could be that I am indeed an idiot who should have thought “Yes, that is a nice idea, but X is not a stable person and will likely make the evening a living hell for you.  Best to just write her a check.”  But that’s in the past and can’t be undone ~ I don’t have an in with the Doctor.

And it doesn’t help me face my issue using avoidance as way to cope with fear.  But writing about it does.

So, today started out as a good day.  And then it turned panicked and bad.  The To Do list sat with only one lone red line through it.  All the other tasks languished.  But one of those tasks was to write today’s post.  And in the writing, I figured out what was at the root of my avoidance.

The real lesson then, is that, sometimes, when we’re anxious, or sad, or panicked, or upset ~ we need to talk it out.  This is something we can do every now and then with a supportive friend who is a good listener.  And it’s something we should do with a well-trained supportive therapist on a regular basis.

But it’s also something we can do when we’re alone.  A journal ~ whether in book or computer form ~ can’t give you feedback or positive reinforcement.  But it can help you to gather your thoughts, to help clarify your feelings, and sometimes, even show you the solution to your problem.

So today, if things aren’t going so well, I encourage you to “fight hard to shine the light of words upon” whatever it is you feel you can’t face.  Call a friend, call your therapist, call a hotline.  And write down everything you feel.

Together, let’s fill the wordless void with the light of shining words.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

How do you cope when things don’t go as planned or when you’re feeling anxious?

Top Five Friday: Shutting Up the Critics

The cost of not pursuing a dream is greater than the cost of failure. 
~ Jeff Goins

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he way of the creative soul is hard.  We are misunderstood, maligned, and often, the people who should be the loudest in our cheering section, are the biggest naysayers.

This is certainly true in my own life.  I am blessed to have a small, but heavy-hitting cheering section ~ people who love and accept me unconditionally and offer both honest encouragement and constructive criticism.    



Photo credit: 123rf.com



But human nature being what it is, one rotten apple spoils the entire bushel. It is a mystery to me why what one negative person says carries more weight than the accolades of five positive people.  But there it is. 



And the biggest naysayer in my life is always close at hand, ready to pounce on every mistake, every false step.  Even all my successes carry a taint of “could have been better/not good enough.”  “Who is this wretched person!?” you cry indignantly, “Keep away from them as much as possible!”  But that would require an out of body experience.

Because I am my own worst enemy and my harshest critic.

Shouting Down and Shutting Out

Scientific American had an article in February of this year on the bias against creativity.  Although many say they value innovation and people who ‘think outside the box’, when it comes to practice, being innovative means taking risks, and most people are risk-adverse.  And by risk adverse, I mean, failure-adverse.

No one likes to fail.

But innovation doesn’t exist apart from failure.  News flash, dear readers: no one is perfect.  No one succeeds on the first try.  As great as Michael Phelps is, he didn’t come out of the womb doing a killer backstroke.  He had to learn how to swim; had to discipline his body and his mind to become faster than the best in the world.

So what is a beaten up creative to do?  Obviously, we must surround ourselves with positive and supportive and wise people.  And we need to drown out the naysayers as much as possible. 

As a visual/verbal creative, that means I read every article, post, book, and essay on creativity and artistic encouragement I can find.  Invariably, two things happen:

1) I’m comforted and inspired by the realization that I’m not alone;

2) My creative bottom gets kicked into gear and I go create something.

Today, I give you the top five articles that shut down my biggest critic and flamed the creative fires this week:

The World Needs Artists – Jeff Goins

Jeff Goins is one of my favorite writers/bloggers on creativity and the art of writing.  His style is easy on the eyes and is always practical.  It’s like having a personal writing trainer.  I may complain about the pain of being creative, but those groaning muscles get toned and built up with every post he writes.  Here, he reminds us how important art and creativity is, how vital we are to life of the world and our social circle.

10 Ways to Establish Personal Boundaries – Barrie Davenport

Personal boundaries are important for everyone, but especially for creative souls.  For whatever reason, our work isn’t seen as work (if I sweat blood every time I sat down at my desk, would that convince you?!!?), and since many of us work out of a home office, the boundary lines are more apt to get blurred. 

On top of that, most of us come from dysfunctional families where boundaries were ignored trampled on, and/or destroyed.  So a lot of healing needs to take place if those necessary fences are to be mended properly.  I’m a big advocate of seeking wise professional help ~ sadly, there are a lot of idiot shrinks out there who simply add new wounds to the old.

Live the Creative Life – Jurgen Wolff on Steve Edge

I’ve never met Steve Edge, but I love him already.  His advice to dress for a party every day and the party will come to you is very wise.  If you wait for inspiration, for the right time, the right place ~ the Muse may pass you by.  We’re only given today, not promised tomorrow.  So put on your party outfit and create.

Best story: how he re-branded DB Restorations.  Brilliant.

Repotting Your Creativity – Emily Wenstrom

Changing your routine up is a good way to shake off negative thoughts and nasty comments.  Last Tuesday, I started a new art therapy class.  It’s been years since I’ve picked up a paintbrush, but once I started mixing colours and exploring shades and tones, the joy of sweeping the brush across the paper filled up my tired heart and began to heal old scarred wounds.

Why Your Work Never Feels Good Enough – Jeff Goins

Another great article by Jeff Goins.  He talks about how the curse of perfectionism is part and parcel of being a creative: we keep striving to get our project to look just like the ideal vision we see in our minds’ eye. 

As long as the ideal vision doesn’t prevent us from actually bringing it to life, than use it to keep reaching and creating.

In the end, the best way to silence the critics ~ whether internal or external ~ is to create every day that we’re given.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

What are the ways you shut out the naysayers and self-doubt?  What articles have inspired you?  Please share with us!