So often the end of a love affair is death by a thousand cuts,
so often its survival is life by a thousand stitches.
~ Robert
Brault
In
2015, I’m participating in Jeff Goins’ My 500 Words Challenge: writing at least
500 words a day for a year! So dearest
blog, although I’ve neglected you of late, I have never ceased writing! YTD Word Count: 36,171
ometimes, the first step in making a positive change, is knowing what
not
to do.
Like most people, I come from a dysfunctional family, and in order
to begin the healing process, I needed to see and acknowledge two fundamental
truths:
1. Not all families live the way we did.
2. Without outside help, I could not learn new
ways of living.
She talked to divorce experts (including one divorcee) and came
away with a list of eleven behaviours that can lead to the death of a
marriage. Not surprisingly, many of
these “marriage mistakes” were familiar to me, as I’ve watched my parents make
them over and over. (The fact that they
are still married is a miracle and a discussion for a separate post.)
Although Wong doesn’t go into detail here, knowing these eleven toxic
behaviours and examining your own relationship is the first step to making a
change that might save your marriage or prevent it from souring.
Each of the eleven mistakes listed can be discussed and unpacked on a
deeper level. However, for this post, I
wanted to talk a little more about Laura Wasser’s (the divorce lawyer), advice
on unrealistic expectations ~ something all relationships suffer from at one
time or another.
As a close friend and psychologist put it, “the higher the
expectation, the greater the disappointment. Part of having realistic
expectations is unconditional acceptance.
Wasser touches on this when she says, “Failure to accept the person you
are married to, yourself or the relationship for what it really is” is a less
apparent behavior that she has seen lead to divorce.
What Unconditional Acceptance
Is and Is Not
Unconditional
acceptance does not mean I accept
·
Comments
that belittle my intelligence, my feelings, my opinions, or my physical appearance
·
Being
treated as less equal
·
Drug
or alcohol abuse or a po*n or sex addiction that goes without treatment
·
Comments
that belittle my friends and/or encourage me to get rid of them
·
Attempts
to control or dictate what I eat, what I wear, what I say, where I go, etc.
·
Being
blamed for everything wrong that happens to you
This
is not an exhaustive list, but they are the main red flags that indicate an
unhealthy relationship. Not all people
will exhibit every single trait, but if they do, you are not just in an unhealthy
relationship - you are in an abusive one.
Unconditional
acceptance does mean I accept
·
Your
different personality type
·
Your
different love languages
·
Your
different, but equally valid, needs
·
Your
right to your opinions, even if I disagree with them
·
Your
right to have space and alone time
·
Your
right to have friends outside of our family
So
what does this look like in real life?
Something like this:
Jane comes home from a stressful job where she’s had to be
“on” all day. She’s looking forward to some
quiet time, being with James, holding each other and just taking it easy.
All day, James has been anticipating Jane’s joyful reaction to the news that he
was just named manager of an exciting new project at work – with a raise! This means he can buy her a new tablet to
replace her old laptop. She’s going to
love it!
James’ chatter and constant walking in and out of the kitchen and
the living room starts to get on Jane’s already strained nerves; plus, all that
walking and talking means hugging is impossible. Jane feels hurt and invalidated that he isn’t
just chilling next to her, holding her and letting her decompress.
Equally hurt and confused by Jane’s silence and lack of reaction
to his gift, James’ enthusiasm deflates and his resentment grows. Why isn’t she
listening to him and telling him how proud she is that his boss trusts him
enough to take the lead on this incredible project!?
“…if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree,
it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
Albert Einstein
Jane is an Introvert – she recharges her energy by being alone and
silent, although she doesn’t mind recharging with James (usually). Her love
languages are Presence and Physical Affection.
James is an Extrovert – he recharges his energy by being around
people and talking. His love languages
are Words of Affirmation and Gift Giving.
Sadly, neither Jane and James know that there are different love
languages and at least one of them dismisses the importance of knowing and
understanding personality types. But the
longer they live in ignorance, the more invalidated and valued each will feel
in the relationships and the more resentment
and hurt will grow.
This story doesn’t explore contributing factors like psychological
wounds, family history, past abuse, needs and desires, etc. But it does illustrate what I’m talking about
when it comes to unconditional acceptance in regards to two vital areas: how we
recharge and how we express love. The great thing is, today we have more tools to help wounded and
dying relationships and they apply not just to spouses, but to any
relationship.
We just have to be open
and willing to learn, to change, and to work a little harder at understanding
each other.
Oremus pro invicem,
~
Mikaela
What are some other ways to keep a marriage healthy?
Posts on La
Belle are written with the following fonts: Georgia, Times New Roman, Vivaldi, Edwardian,
and occasionally Baroque Script.
