Death By A Thousand Cuts: Can You Avoid Divorce?

So often the end of a love affair is death by a thousand cuts, 

so often its survival is life by a thousand stitches.  

~ Robert Brault

In 2015, I’m participating in Jeff Goins’ My 500 Words Challenge: writing at least 500 words a day for a year!  So dearest blog, although I’ve neglected you of late, I have never ceased writing!  YTD Word Count: 36,171

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ometimes, the first step in making a positive change, is knowing what not to do.

Like most people, I come from a dysfunctional family, and in order to begin the healing process, I needed to see and acknowledge two fundamental truths:

1. Not all families live the way we did.

2. Without outside help, I could not learn new ways of living.

Brittany Wong’s article in the Huffington Post on Friday seems to agree.

She talked to divorce experts (including one divorcee) and came away with a list of eleven behaviours that can lead to the death of a marriage.  Not surprisingly, many of these “marriage mistakes” were familiar to me, as I’ve watched my parents make them over and over.  (The fact that they are still married is a miracle and a discussion for a separate post.)

Although Wong doesn’t go into detail here, knowing these eleven toxic behaviours and examining your own relationship is the first step to making a change that might save your marriage or prevent it from souring.

Each of the eleven mistakes listed can be discussed and unpacked on a deeper level.  However, for this post, I wanted to talk a little more about Laura Wasser’s (the divorce lawyer), advice on unrealistic expectations ~ something all relationships suffer from at one time or another. 

As a close friend and psychologist put it, “the higher the expectation, the greater the disappointment. Part of having realistic expectations is unconditional acceptance.  Wasser touches on this when she says, “Failure to accept the person you are married to, yourself or the relationship for what it really is” is a less apparent behavior that she has seen lead to divorce.

What Unconditional Acceptance Is and Is Not

Unconditional acceptance does not mean I accept

·        Comments that belittle my intelligence, my feelings, my opinions, or my physical appearance

·        Being treated as less equal

·        Drug or alcohol abuse or a po*n or sex addiction that goes without treatment

·        Comments that belittle my friends and/or encourage me to get rid of them

·        Attempts to control or dictate what I eat, what I wear, what I say, where I go, etc.

·        Being blamed for everything wrong that happens to you

This is not an exhaustive list, but they are the main red flags that indicate an unhealthy relationship.  Not all people will exhibit every single trait, but if they do, you are not just in an unhealthy relationship - you are in an abusive one.

© Le Moal Olivier

Unconditional acceptance does mean I accept

·        Your different personality type

·        Your different love languages

·        Your different, but equally valid, needs

·        Your right to your opinions, even if I disagree with them

·        Your right to have space and alone time

·        Your right to have friends outside of our family

So what does this look like in real life?  Something like this:

Jane comes home from a stressful job where she’s had to be “on” all day.  She’s looking forward to some quiet time, being with James, holding each other and just taking it easy.   

All day, James has been anticipating Jane’s joyful reaction to the news that he was just named manager of an exciting new project at work – with a raise!  This means he can buy her a new tablet to replace her old laptop.  She’s going to love it!

James’ chatter and constant walking in and out of the kitchen and the living room starts to get on Jane’s already strained nerves; plus, all that walking and talking means hugging is impossible.  Jane feels hurt and invalidated that he isn’t just chilling next to her, holding her and letting her decompress.

Equally hurt and confused by Jane’s silence and lack of reaction to his gift, James’ enthusiasm deflates and his resentment grows. Why isn’t she listening to him and telling him how proud she is that his boss trusts him enough to take the lead on this incredible project!?

“…if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree,

it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

Albert Einstein

Jane is an Introvert – she recharges her energy by being alone and silent, although she doesn’t mind recharging with James (usually). Her love languages are Presence and Physical Affection.

James is an Extrovert – he recharges his energy by being around people and talking.  His love languages are Words of Affirmation and Gift Giving.

Sadly, neither Jane and James know that there are different love languages and at least one of them dismisses the importance of knowing and understanding personality types.  But the longer they live in ignorance, the more invalidated and valued each will feel in the relationships  and the more resentment and hurt will grow.

This story doesn’t explore contributing factors like psychological wounds, family history, past abuse, needs and desires, etc.  But it does illustrate what I’m talking about when it comes to unconditional acceptance in regards to two vital areas: how we recharge and how we express love.  The great thing is, today we have more tools to help wounded and dying relationships and they apply not just to spouses, but to any relationship.  

We just have to be open and willing to learn, to change, and to work a little harder at understanding each other.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

What are some other ways to keep a marriage healthy?

Posts on La Belle are written with the following fonts: Georgia, Times New Roman, Vivaldi, Edwardian, and occasionally Baroque Script.

Writer or Me Monster: Why the About Page is Important to Readers

Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn't have the courage to say "yes" to life?

~ Paulo Coelho

November 1 marked the beginning of that madcap dash into the world of words and word counts: National Novel Writing Month – affectionately known as NaNo.  I didn’t sign up this year, but throughout the month of November, I’ll be highlighting authors, their books, and the writing process.

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ay be a day (or more) and a dollar short, but I’ve joined Jeff Goins’ Intentional Blogging Challenge.

Being the daydreaming writer that I am *cough* procrastinating *cough*, I find that I need to sign up for at least two to four writing challenges a year.  Deadlines combined with being part of a group of writers forces me to write a substantial word count every day.

At least every day of the challenge.

A couple of weeks ago I got together with a fellow writer and blogger to talk a bit about the challenge and do some free-writing on the dreaded Day One topic (cue Darth Vader theme):

Writing the About Me Page.

Relationship not Narcissism

Contrary to most people’s first impressions (usually garnered at a social event where I’m being, well, social!), I am a very private person.  I guard my boundaries like Cerebus guards Hades’ lair.

Minus the hellacious breath and acid drool.

Cerebus and Hades, 6th century

Yes, I have a blog.  Yes, I write about some personal things sometimes.  I also write under a nom de plume.  This is mainly to protect my Styx-like privacy.  

It is also so some well-meaning (or smug and purposefully hateful) friend of the family (aka pot-stirrer) happens upon my blog and informs my mother, “I didn’t know you were certifiably nuts!  This explains so much!”

Ahh, the perils of memoirists. 

In addition, some people might associate my ability to talk the leg off a brass chamber pot (I’m so getting one of those after Kodiak), to a narcissistic addiction to talking about myself.  

When they spend one on one time with me, they find that I actually don’t like to talk about myself.  This goes hand in hand with my Cerebus-guarded Styx-like privacy.  And it becomes painfully obvious when you see my About page ~ it's sad.

Like, puppy-hit-by-a car sad.

A great About Me Page should invite you in, give you a better idea of who I am both as a writer and as a person ~ because who wants to read the scribblings of a faceless person with the personality of a blank canvas stuck in your grandparents attic? 

Okay, maybe that's going too far, but you get the picture.  

What and Why I Write

Another thing the About Me page should do, is tell you about the blog itself, what I write about, and why.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been pounding the keys, ripping out my heart, and sharing it with y’all for almost ten years (La Belle’s ninth birthday was on Halloween in fact) and throughout this wild , crazy, colourful, and literary ride, I’ve been asked: “So what is your blog about?”  My usual response?

Cue zombie impression.  Uh – art?  Um - food?  I really like people and…I dunno.  I just write. 

So I looked though old posts, made a list, and realized that if I flesh out those answers, I get that I like to talk and write about is art and hospitality and writing and mental health.

Wait just a minute….that sounds like it might be what this blog is actually about!

Aha!  So those four things I mentioned above?  Those are what bloggers call categories and they serve as the bones of the blog.  The blog posts make up the skin and blood and organs and brain.   The heart is made up of you, my readers.  What about the soul?

Most writers ~ especially fiction writers ~ will tell you that once they begin writing, the book takes on a life of its own.  Sometimes the characters won’t grow or act like you want them to ~ they become almost sentient.

A blog is no different.  Mine most definitely has a soul, a personality.  And it just so happens to mirror mine. As E(I)NFPs place a high priority and value on relationships, so does my blog.  Whether the topic has to do with art, writing, hospitality, or mental health, the theme of relationships is interwoven throughout.  Sometimes it’s more subtle than others, but it’s always there.

And in that case, I’m not quite sure where this particular relationship is going.  But I know where I’d like it to head.  But more about that in my About Page.

Which you can read as soon as I write it.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Love Will Save Me: Why Working on Your Problems Before Marriage is Smart

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them.

Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.

~ Hugh Elliott, Standing Room Only

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness! 

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t’s Throwback Thursday. 

Which usually means posting pictures that highlight what a bad idea that mullet and blue eye shadow were back in 1985.

It’s also Hunger Awareness Day, and since emotional hunger is a very real problem in our society today, I thought, why not revisit an old post about relationships?

Also, I’m lazy, ADDish, and tired.

Six years ago, I had a discussion with a couple of bloggers about whether a person should work on their psychological and emotional wounds before entering a new relationship and whether that relationship could itself be a source of healing.

I had forgotten all about this discussion and the post it inspired, and upon reading it, I quickly realized this couldn’t be just a lazy re-blog.  Because six years ago, I was a different person.

A Broken Vase Holds No Water

Six years ago, I was four years out of a manipulative  and co-dependent relationship.  Six years ago, I wasn’t in therapy with the incredible shrink I have now.  Six years ago, I thought I was fine and okay.

But six years ago, I was depressed and didn’t know it.

Six years later, I’m more self-aware, more confident, more don’t-give-a-flying-truck-what-anyone-thinks.  More in touch with my wounds, my past.  And more in touch with my anger and disappointment.  You could say, I’m a little more hard and cynical.  Still, my six-years-ago self was pretty much dead on.

Read the original post: The Power of Love

Let’s get one thing straight right from the start: a relationship, whether it’s romantic or platonic, is never a cure for loneliness.  People are people, not objects to be bought, sold, or used.  A relationship built on hating eating frozen dinners in front of the boob tube by yourself is going to last as long as my coffee pot.  Actually, my coffee pot will probably last longer.  

Not to mention it makes things exceedingly tiresome and boring for the other person.  

And quite frankly, I’ve met people who still felt alone in their relationship.  And that is worse than literally being alone. 

Since that post was written, I’ve had several friends date, break up, and get married.  And as I began learning more and more about child development, and family wounds, and inter generational healing, I began to talk more and more about the need to tend to our wounds before entering into a life-changing commitment.  But time and again I was told: not all take the same path, not all journeys are the same; some people are healed by the relationship itself.

While I agree that we all have different paths to take, they all overlooked one thing in their reasoning: they had already been in therapy and done work on themselves or were in therapy when they met their future spouse.

Prior to that, they were dating and getting nothing but heartache in return.

I Want a Girl (Just Like the Girl That Married Dear Old Dad)

Many of us had (or have) troubled relationships with one or both parents.  And many of us either ignore that, or try to compensate with their significant other.  But we learn all too soon that the other person is just as flawed as we are, as our parents are, and in fact, may even be flawed in the same way our parents were!

When you enter a relationship without addressing the fact that your father always promised he would do X, Y or Z but never did it, you may have a tendency to expect all men to promise but not deliver.

Image credit: Chappell Therapy

If your mother was manipulative and domineering, you may have the tendency to view your girlfriend’s ability to handle herself well and take charge of a situation with distrust or you may simply retreat when faced with taking responsibility.

And still the pain continues and the need to address past wounds remains.

Do all relationships work this way?  Of course not.  Things like mentors, the moderately functional friends we had growing up, and even grace need to be factored in.  

But enough have problems that books have been written about the parent-child connection and influence over current relationships.

The Journey So Far

Six years ago, I said that I believed “perfect love drives out all fear” and I sort of still believe that.  The issue I have now is, in order to experience love in a healthy, integrated way you first have to know what it looks like.  Otherwise, you’ll keep getting your heart stomped on. (Think of abused women who won’t leave their abusers).

How do we do that?

I don’t know how you do it, but I read books.  And talked with friends.  And joined a support group.  And talked with friends some more.  And read more books. 

Until finally one day, a romantic interest said to me: “You know, you’ve told me about X, Y, Z in your past and I think you should join a support group or talk to a spiritual advisor ~ because the reason you’re attracted to me is because I remind you of your father…and you really shouldn’t date me.”

So (heartbroken), I joined another support group.  And I read some more books.  And talked to a priest or two.  But I didn’t find a competent therapist. 

And would you believe, I went back to thinking I was working on things and everything was fine. Denial ain’t just a river…oh, you’ve heard that one already.

It would take me two whole years ~ and one last majorly dysfunctional and painful relationship in 2009 ~  to finally hit rock bottom in January of 2010.  Suddenly, everything was not fine ~ in spades.  I was not okay.  As smart as I was, and as many supportive friends as I had, I realized (finally!!) that I needed more help than I was getting. 

And even then, I was stubborn and didn’t meet my shrink until six months later.  (Gee, it’s been four years?! Happy Anniversary, Siggy*!)

Bottom line: no one human being can “fix” or "fill" you by themselves.  Would you expect your spouse to set your leg if you broke it?  Or do open heart surgery on you if you had a blocked artery? No, that would be stupid!  They aren’t trained to heal those kinds of wounds/illnesses.

And yet, many of us expect our spouse to heal our emotional and psychological wounds.

The Power of (Unconditional) Love

We were not created to be alone, to work out our problems in isolation. We are social beings, made for self-gift and with an incredible capacity to love and forgive and grow.

Pride says you do not need anyone or anything to help you heal. That is not only false, it’s unwise. But neither are we meant to just expect things to magically get better without putting forth any effort at all and letting our spouses, children, friends, confessors, shrinks do it all for us. 

The answer lies in between: take the time to become self-aware; work on your issues; talk to a therapist (consider them your psych surgeon).  Healing those wounds enables you to feed that emotional hunger yourself. 

Only then can you feed others.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Agree, disagree, hate me? ;)  Do tell!

*Siggy - oh come on.  Siggy - Sigmund.  Yeah, you got it.

Love at a Distance: Toxic People and the Geographic Cure

If there is a particular person in your life that is repeatedly choosing not to honor you and is causing you more sadness or pain than they are joy - it might be time to release that friendship back to God and trust that it is not where you belong.

~ Mandy Hale

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month.  Join me in blogging to erase the stigma of mental illness so our loved ones can seek the help they need.

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anctuary.  We all need it.

Yesterday, I was out looking at a possible sanctuary (i.e. property for sale) so didn’t have time to post.

Another word for sanctuary is “geographic cure.”  For those in Al-Anon, this is a familiar concept. 

But it’s less a cure and more of a treatment process.

The Ugly Side of Mental Illness

During this month of mental health awareness, I’ve talked mostly about depression, how I as a sufferer of depression feel and cope (or not) and some ways to be a true friend to someone who suffers from depression.  But mental health is like Janus: there are always two faces to it.  One is the face of suffering.

The other is the face that causes suffering.

Someone who suffers from depression is already operating at less than full capacity in terms of energy, self-esteem, emotional resiliency, etc.  But then you put that person in a relationship with someone who also suffers from some form of mental/emotional illness and you’d better be prepared for the organic matter to hit the oscillating mechanism!  If that relationship is symbiotic, the potential for heart aches and years of therapy is even higher.

This is where the geographic treatment comes in.

I Love You. . .at a Distance

The geographic treatment basically says,

“This relationship has become so toxic, the only way to find peace

and sanity is for me to move far, far away.”

The great thing about this method is that you do get some breathing space.  You don’t have to subject yourself to daily mental and emotional beatings.  You can close the door, draw the blinds, and truly rest and re-charge.  You can find a new “family” that is more supportive. 

You can ramp up the healing process with your therapist because now you can concentrate on doing your psychological “homework” and not expend your precious supply of energy on effective but outdated defense mechanisms.

But it’s only a treatment. 

My geographic treatment usually includes nature and a book.
Image credit: Books Direct

Because once you go back for a visit, you encounter the same hurtful lines, the same negativity, insults, and verbal abuse.  This happens because you’ve begun to change, but the other person hasn’t.  And it’s too easy to fall into old patterns of reaction when the other person refuses (or simply is unable to) learn the steps to your new dance.

So you have to limit the number of times you “dance” with that person.  In the beginning, you may not be able to see them for months.  For the first few weeks, even a phone call may be out of the question.

And that’s okay.

Because your mental health is just as important as how you treat your loved one who also suffers from some form of mental illness.  And if you’re ever going to learn better ways of communicating, more effective coping mechanisms; if you’re ever going to learn to forgive and love that person in a healthier way ~ you need to take care of you. 

And you need a sanctuary in order to do that.

The Golden Rule of Mental Health

More compassion, not less, is key to treating those who suffer from some form of mental illness.  Guilt tripping, screaming, passive aggressive behaviors are not effective and can actually be damaging to your relationships with people who do not suffer from mental illness.

I know this, sadly, from experience.  My poor defense mechanisms protected me while I was growing up.  But they no longer serve me well now that I’m older.  And it took years to even get to the point where I realized, “Oh.  This isn’t how healthy, integrated adults act.  Maybe I need to find someone who can help me learn new ways to cope.”

Tuesday, while I was writing about granting accident forgiveness and learning to be a more effective parent, it struck me that I was advocating a more positive attitude and outlook than I currently have towards my mother. 

And I immediately felt guilty. 

Shouldn’t I be treating her the way I want to be treated?  Shouldn’t I be more compassionate towards her since in many ways, she can’t help what she says and does ~ she’s not integrated either?  As a Christian, I’ve had some people tell me that I need to offer it up, turn the other cheek, and remember the 4^th commandment.  And then I reminded myself of something my therapist told me:

“If they tear you down more than you can build them up,

it’s time to walk away.”

I don’t care who you are, what your relationship is, or what role you play.  Abuse, in any form, is never okay.  Bullying, whether it’s done in a school yard, in the office, or in your home, is never okay. 

You don’t have to offer that sh#t up.  That is not what He meant.

My relationship with my mother right now is…unruffled.  But it won’t remain that way and I know this.  She suffers from two forms of emotional illness and she’s not getting effective treatment for either of them.  (And yes, there are idiot therapists out there ~ you should be just as picky about your mental health provider as you are about your heart surgeon.) And so I find myself needing to re-start the geographic treatment again.  Not quite as severely as I needed to fourteen years ago, but it has to be done. 

For both our sakes and definitely for my sanity.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Have you ever taken the “Geographic Treatment?”  Did it help?  Why or why not?

Are You a Failure if You Let Go?

When I fully enter time’s swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here.

~ Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

In December, I am continuing (barely) to participate in the Two Pages-a-Day writing challenge.  And trying desperately to get in a holiday mood.

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his morning, I discovered how easy it is to be accidentally hit by a train.

Obviously, I didn’t discover this by actually getting smushed, as I am well and sane enough to be writing to you now.

It was morning.  And I was awake. Barely.

I didn’t have time for coffee.  I never have time for coffee.  This is because I hold on to sleep and cozy warmth like a grizzly hold on to a big, fat salmon. 

Enough said.

It had a good fifteen minutes before my train showed up.  And it was past 7am ~ the time that the Amtrak usually passes by.  As I waited, mentally running through blog post ideas, my To Dos, and my Christmas gift list, a freight train went by on the opposite tracks.  They don’t travel very fast, but they are loud and long.

I love watching trains.  Their power and sheer size thrill me on a visceral level.  I like to feel the platform shake from the rumbles of their clickety-clacks.

Image credit: Pinterest

This freight train was particularly long.  I kept my head turned toward the right, to try and catch a glimpse of the end.

And never heard the super fast Amtrak commuter train rushing down the track closest to the platform.

If I had been any closer to the yellow line, I would have been whooshed off my feet and under the tracks.  Or my head would have been taken off.

Letting Go≠ Failure

As it was, only my vintage wine hat blew off.  But as I caught my breath and waited out the adrenaline rush, I wondered: what else am I so focused on, so reluctant to let go, that life and other opportunities rush right by me?

So often we hold on to beliefs, habits, ways of thinking, even people and relationships that we should have let go of a long time ago.

Letting go is not synonymous with failing.

Letting go means you have the room for a new habit.

It means you have more time to devote to keeping healthy relationships in repair.

It means you have your attention focused on life.   On the here and now.

Otherwise, we miss the train that’s coming down our side of the tracks.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

What are you holding on to?  Is it distracting you from the here and now?