Love Will Save Me: Why Working on Your Problems Before Marriage is Smart

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them.

Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.

~ Hugh Elliott, Standing Room Only

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness! 

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t’s Throwback Thursday. 

Which usually means posting pictures that highlight what a bad idea that mullet and blue eye shadow were back in 1985.

It’s also Hunger Awareness Day, and since emotional hunger is a very real problem in our society today, I thought, why not revisit an old post about relationships?

Also, I’m lazy, ADDish, and tired.

Six years ago, I had a discussion with a couple of bloggers about whether a person should work on their psychological and emotional wounds before entering a new relationship and whether that relationship could itself be a source of healing.

I had forgotten all about this discussion and the post it inspired, and upon reading it, I quickly realized this couldn’t be just a lazy re-blog.  Because six years ago, I was a different person.

A Broken Vase Holds No Water

Six years ago, I was four years out of a manipulative  and co-dependent relationship.  Six years ago, I wasn’t in therapy with the incredible shrink I have now.  Six years ago, I thought I was fine and okay.

But six years ago, I was depressed and didn’t know it.

Six years later, I’m more self-aware, more confident, more don’t-give-a-flying-truck-what-anyone-thinks.  More in touch with my wounds, my past.  And more in touch with my anger and disappointment.  You could say, I’m a little more hard and cynical.  Still, my six-years-ago self was pretty much dead on.

Read the original post: The Power of Love

Let’s get one thing straight right from the start: a relationship, whether it’s romantic or platonic, is never a cure for loneliness.  People are people, not objects to be bought, sold, or used.  A relationship built on hating eating frozen dinners in front of the boob tube by yourself is going to last as long as my coffee pot.  Actually, my coffee pot will probably last longer.  

Not to mention it makes things exceedingly tiresome and boring for the other person.  

And quite frankly, I’ve met people who still felt alone in their relationship.  And that is worse than literally being alone. 

Since that post was written, I’ve had several friends date, break up, and get married.  And as I began learning more and more about child development, and family wounds, and inter generational healing, I began to talk more and more about the need to tend to our wounds before entering into a life-changing commitment.  But time and again I was told: not all take the same path, not all journeys are the same; some people are healed by the relationship itself.

While I agree that we all have different paths to take, they all overlooked one thing in their reasoning: they had already been in therapy and done work on themselves or were in therapy when they met their future spouse.

Prior to that, they were dating and getting nothing but heartache in return.

I Want a Girl (Just Like the Girl That Married Dear Old Dad)

Many of us had (or have) troubled relationships with one or both parents.  And many of us either ignore that, or try to compensate with their significant other.  But we learn all too soon that the other person is just as flawed as we are, as our parents are, and in fact, may even be flawed in the same way our parents were!

When you enter a relationship without addressing the fact that your father always promised he would do X, Y or Z but never did it, you may have a tendency to expect all men to promise but not deliver.

Image credit: Chappell Therapy

If your mother was manipulative and domineering, you may have the tendency to view your girlfriend’s ability to handle herself well and take charge of a situation with distrust or you may simply retreat when faced with taking responsibility.

And still the pain continues and the need to address past wounds remains.

Do all relationships work this way?  Of course not.  Things like mentors, the moderately functional friends we had growing up, and even grace need to be factored in.  

But enough have problems that books have been written about the parent-child connection and influence over current relationships.

The Journey So Far

Six years ago, I said that I believed “perfect love drives out all fear” and I sort of still believe that.  The issue I have now is, in order to experience love in a healthy, integrated way you first have to know what it looks like.  Otherwise, you’ll keep getting your heart stomped on. (Think of abused women who won’t leave their abusers).

How do we do that?

I don’t know how you do it, but I read books.  And talked with friends.  And joined a support group.  And talked with friends some more.  And read more books. 

Until finally one day, a romantic interest said to me: “You know, you’ve told me about X, Y, Z in your past and I think you should join a support group or talk to a spiritual advisor ~ because the reason you’re attracted to me is because I remind you of your father…and you really shouldn’t date me.”

So (heartbroken), I joined another support group.  And I read some more books.  And talked to a priest or two.  But I didn’t find a competent therapist. 

And would you believe, I went back to thinking I was working on things and everything was fine. Denial ain’t just a river…oh, you’ve heard that one already.

It would take me two whole years ~ and one last majorly dysfunctional and painful relationship in 2009 ~  to finally hit rock bottom in January of 2010.  Suddenly, everything was not fine ~ in spades.  I was not okay.  As smart as I was, and as many supportive friends as I had, I realized (finally!!) that I needed more help than I was getting. 

And even then, I was stubborn and didn’t meet my shrink until six months later.  (Gee, it’s been four years?! Happy Anniversary, Siggy*!)

Bottom line: no one human being can “fix” or "fill" you by themselves.  Would you expect your spouse to set your leg if you broke it?  Or do open heart surgery on you if you had a blocked artery? No, that would be stupid!  They aren’t trained to heal those kinds of wounds/illnesses.

And yet, many of us expect our spouse to heal our emotional and psychological wounds.

The Power of (Unconditional) Love

We were not created to be alone, to work out our problems in isolation. We are social beings, made for self-gift and with an incredible capacity to love and forgive and grow.

Pride says you do not need anyone or anything to help you heal. That is not only false, it’s unwise. But neither are we meant to just expect things to magically get better without putting forth any effort at all and letting our spouses, children, friends, confessors, shrinks do it all for us. 

The answer lies in between: take the time to become self-aware; work on your issues; talk to a therapist (consider them your psych surgeon).  Healing those wounds enables you to feed that emotional hunger yourself. 

Only then can you feed others.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Agree, disagree, hate me? ;)  Do tell!

*Siggy - oh come on.  Siggy - Sigmund.  Yeah, you got it.

Write Like A Boy Scout: Why a Writer Should Always Be Prepared

Being a writer is a very peculiar sort of a job: it's always you versus a blank sheet of paper (or a blank screen) and quite often the blank piece of paper wins.

~ Neil Gaiman

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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riters need to be Boy Scouts: always prepared.

Stories and ideas come from everywhere and no matter how good you think your memory is, if you don’t keep paper or a recording device at hand, you are going to forget some of them.

Of course, some ideas sound way better in our heads.  The old parable is dead on: don’t separate the wheat from the chaff before you harvest, you might pull up some wheat by accident.  Which is another reason it is good to write them down ~ so you can view them in the cold light of the blank page. 

Editing should always come after you’ve puked your guts out, not before.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice a little for your craft.  No one gets by on talent alone.  On Saturday, I gave up an hour of canoeing with friends to write this.  I knew if I didn’t, I would not only miss out on spending some precious time alone, but I would feel unhappy and unfulfilled.  As well as lose some valuable story seeds.

Even if some of them turn out to be weeds not wheat, at least I took the time to plant something.

Writing for Mental Health

The other seeds that are planted when writing down ideas, emotions, perceptions, etc. are seeds of mental well-being.  Because I suffer from cyclothymic depression and mild ADD, it is easy to forget the highs, the good days when the thunder clouds settle in the brain.  In fact, many therapists encourage their patients to keep a journal. 

For the past few days (Saturday was the exception), I felt like I had nothing worth saying, nothing worth sharing.  Intellectually, I may understand that isn’t true.  But the inner child throws a tantrum and wails that she doesn’t want to write.  Stomp! Stomp!  She just wants to retreat to her room (real or imaginary) and read, read, read. 

Not that reading is bad.  A good writer is always reading ~ it’s one way we hone our craft.  But we shouldn’t read to the detriment of our writing.

The other reason it is good to push and write through the bad days, is that by the very act of writing and documenting my depression ~ the highs, the lows, the insecurities, the deep sad ~ I keep the writing muscle in play.

Think of any exercise regimen.  There are days you want to stop ~ you’re bored, you’re tired, you’re busy ~ but if you do stop, it’s more difficult to get back on the treadmill, into the pool, etc.  And lose you some of the ground you’ve gained.

The same can be said of writing.  Writing every day ~ even if it’s crappy writing ~ keeps the ink flowing.  And I have to remind myself of this during periods like this ~ when I feel like an utter failure and like the poorest writer on the planet.  Eventually, I’ll prove myself wrong on that score, and write more things I’m proud of.

I just need to make sure I’m prepared to gather the wheat when it ripens.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

How do you capture ideas on the run? Do you find that writing helps you deal with your depression or other form of mental illness?

The Mind and Body Connection: Why I'm Still Talking About Mental Health

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

~ Martin Luther King Jr., I Have a Dream: Writings and Speeches That Changed the World

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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ay two and already, I want a go back.

Yesterday, I said that I wanted to spend the next 30 days continuing to talk about mental health and relationships.  But then today, it hit me right in the gut that maybe this month, I should talk about mental health and physical health.

Let’s just say that burger I had for lunch was awesome for about 2.9 seconds and then it became vitally obvious that I should have had veggie juice instead.

The question is, can I blog about it for 28 more days straight??  And would you even want to read that?

So instead, since Baby doesn’t really liked to be backed into a corner about her blog, let’s just say I’m going to continue talking about mental health. Period.

And as I tooled around looking for more writing prompts, I came across A Canvas of the Minds, which runs the official Blog for Mental Health Project.  On here, they pledge to blog about mental health all year long ~ to raise awareness and end the stigma.  

So even though I’m about 6 months late, I’m adding my own pledge.  Because it is really important that we break down the walls surrounding mental health so that people can get the help they need.

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.” 

Because mental health matters.

Mind and Body

In other news, my garden is starting to show signs of life.  And this is good, because I am starting to show signs of death ~ or to put it less dramatically, signs of ill health.  I know the why, I just have trouble with the how to stop. 

Image credit: vhealthjuice.com

This past weekend I went camping with a few friends and while it was a great experience and I had more fun than I expected, I hungered for more.  More energy, more strength, more flexibility, more endorphins.

So I decided that I would use this month to really begin my health training in earnest.  My trip to Kodiak isn’t that far away, and I want to be in much better place health-wise before I go.  And in order for that to happen, I need to get both my body and my mind ~ specifically my rebellious amygdala ~ in sync.

Otherwise, those Kodiak grizzlies are going to have one big crazy Mikaela entrée!

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

This will be interesting, since lately my idea of a workout is holding up a book as I read in bed.  Sigh.  Well, they say a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Here I go!

Blogathon 2014: Writerly Madness!

"I wanted you to see what real courage is. . .

It's when you know you're licked before you begin,

but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.”

~ Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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ow it begins.  And so of course, I wish I hadn’t signed up for it.  I’m contrary like that.

But a blogging challenge is good for me.  Sort of like oatmeal and carrots.

Blah. 

June is National PTSD Awareness Month, but there’s only so much I can write since I don’t personally have an experience of it or know many people who suffer from it.

So I’m going to continue to write about subjects pertaining to mental health in general and relationships in particular, because the two are so intertwined.

And since it’s also planting season here in Zone 7, I’ll be updating you on my garden ~ because that is also connected to my own personal mental health.

Join me for the next 30 days.  And if you’re new here, welcome to the funny farm!

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Apologies, this should have published on time, but there were tech issues.

Distractions and Depression

Sand was dribbling out of the bag of her attention, faster and faster.

~ Sarah Blake

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month.  Join me in blogging to erase the stigma of mental illness so our loved ones can seek the help they need.

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istraction is a large part of my depression.  I don’t enjoy my pain, so I find ways to forget it.

Some good ways.

Some bad ways.

Laughter is a good way.  But I’m not sure laughing like a hyena at Pinterest pins of crazy Tumblr posts is entirely healthy.

Then again, Pinterest is like crack, and crack is whack…so there you go.

Distractedly Creative…and Sad

I read somewhere that easily distracted people are more intelligent and creative.  Perhaps it is more realistic to say that creative and intelligent people are easily distracted.  Makes sense ~ there are always several story and post ideas zipping around in my head: bright and colourful as humming birds ~ and just as elusive.

A good friend describes his ADHD as his brain being cable TV with several channels playing at the same time.  He thinks he’s crazy. 

I know he’s brilliant.

Preparing to write this post, I clicked through Pinterest to find a good image, and came to an hour (or three) later.  And had three or six more ideas on where to take this.  Which, despite what you might think, is actually a gift.  Because those ideas got written down and might be used later.

Yet my energy is still low.  I still have a little spot of quicksand sadness that’s just sitting here in my chest, waiting to suck me down.

Less Distractions = More Sleep…and Vice Versa

Energy levels are a huge factor in my distraction equation.  The less energy I have, the more easily distracted I become.  And the less restful sleep I get, the less energy I have.

You would think that with my depression, sleep wouldn’t be an issue, but that is a myth. Yes, depression causes a drop in energy, which can cause us to sleep more.  But sometimes the depression walks hand in hand with anxiety and that keeps us awake.

One night, I had a waking dream that was so real and touched on a deep seated insecurity, that I cried so hard and so long that I gave myself a quadruple play: depression, dehydration, migraine, and lack of REM sleep.

The next day was so ugly, my friends, not even Tumblr’s antics could turn my sad into glad. (Although this one made me laugh so hard I snorted.)  Hey admit it, we've all felt that way once or twice.

Tonight, though, I’ll try to up my energy levels in a more constructive way.  I'll work in my garden, walk around the property, soak in a bubble bath, drink a cup of chamomile tea with lemon, read for an hour, and turn out the lights earlier.

Hopefully that will equal less distractions and higher energy levels tomorrow.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Are you more distracted when you’re depressed?  How do you deal with distractions?

Blogging for a Cause: I'm Coming Out!

Macbeth: “How does your patient, doctor?

Doctor: Not so sick, my lord, as she is troubled with thick-coming fancies that keep her from rest.

Macbeth: Cure her of that! Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased, pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow, raze out the written troubles of the brain, and with some sweet oblivious antidote cleanse the stuffed bosom of that perilous stuff which weighs upon her heart.

Doctor: Therein the patient must minister to himself."

~ William Shakespeare, Macbeth

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month.  Join me in blogging to erase the stigma of mental illness so our loved ones can seek the help they need.

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should win an Oscar.

I’ve kept a deep, dark secret from my closest friends for years and no one has ever suspected.

Only two of them know the truth, and that’s because I chose to tell them.

But only one of those two understands and empathizes. Because he carries the same secret.

A secret that about 58 million Americans hide.

I’m Coming Out…of the Cave

I suffer from depression.

It is not clinical. 

It is not chemical.

It is not an Axis I disorder.

It is painful.

It negatively affects my relationships.

It negatively affects my physical health.

And until today, I was ashamed to talk about it.

I’m one of the luckier ones, I suppose.  My depression doesn’t keep me from working, although at times it makes it more difficult to be productive.

All those days I didn’t blog? Yeah.

My depression hasn’t led to any suicide attempts.  But I have thought about it.  And it has prompted me to wish I’d never been born.  Or that the doctors and nurses hadn’t been successful in bringing me back from the beyond in 2013.

All those times I didn't call you back?  Yeah.

It makes me avoid social events and friends because “no one wants a Sally Sad-Eyes around to bring the party down.”  This is especially true for those of us with a reputation as the "life of the party."

It stops me from getting out of bed some weekends because I'm too exhausted from all the mental and emotional gymnastics my mind and my heart pull non-stop.

And it stops me from reaching out to others who might also be carrying a similar burden. 

Until today.

Blogging for a Cause

Today, I want to end the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Today, I want to encourage you to seek therapy.

Today, I want to make mental health a priority.

Today, I want you to join me in embracing the darkness inside, and shining a light on it.

I hope you join me for the next twenty-two days (blogging five days a week).  I’m sure either you are suffering, or have a loved one who is suffering from some form of mental illness.  And that’s not something you should ignore or think will just go away.

It is nothing to be ashamed of.

Will you sit with me?  We can curl up in a corner and share our stories.  Or we can just sit in comfortable silence…together.

Because today…we stop suffering alone.  

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and I don’t have a degree is psychology.  Everything I post this month comes out of my own experience as someone who suffers.