Only fear can defeat life. . . . .
It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving
ease.
It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to
express it.
You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it.
Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness
that you avoid,
perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further
attacks of fear
because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.
~ Yann
Martel, Life of Pi
May is National Mental Health
Awareness Month. Join me in blogging to
erase the stigma of mental illness so our loved ones can seek the help they
need.
voidance is
one of my specialties. Depression and anxiety
only make this particular dark star of mine “shine” even brighter (Darker? Hmmm.)
A bill is due?
Ignore it until they start threatening to take your
firstborn as payment.
A report
for work is needed?
Wait until the afternoon before it’s expected to
begin asking people for input.
Having
people over for dinner on Sunday?
Panic and rush around the grocery store on
Saturday afternoon wondering what the hell you’re going to serve.
Notice
some weird medical issues?
Wait until you’re writhing in pain and they have
to take you to the ER.
Sign up to
help X do any number of fun or helpful things.
Become so anxious the night before that you give
yourself a migraine and digestive issues.
It’s
Going to Take CSI to ID this Body of Problems
On a good
day (or if I’m really lucky, a good string of days), bills are paid on time,
reports are completed and edited and reviewed a week early, dinners are planned
with clockwork precision, doctor’s appointments are made before things get
tricky, and social engagements are driven to with excitement and flare.
But most “strings
of days” aren’t like that.
Life ebbs
and flows. I could have a week where
three days are good and two days are quiet and one day is really bad. Other times, things cycle in the space of
just 12 hours.
Today for
instance, is a good day. But it could
easily go to pot. And not the good kind. In the morning, I felt really good. I whipped out a clean notebook (they’re an
addiction – all those blank pages!), wrote up all my “To Dos” that had been
pinging my brain, and set to work getting things done.
And they
aren’t tedious things. They’re fun
things. Good things. Actions that will help make some people’s
days brighter, ease another’s stress, and make my life a little easier, and the
holiday weekend more relaxing.
But then
something happened.
 |
| Image credit: Sarah Brandis |
I don’t
know what it was. A drop in my
endorphins? A dip in some other brain
chemical? Something I ate this morning?
Maybe it
was the fact that my co-worker was in a car accident over the weekend (she’s
fine!) and won’t be in until Thursday.
Maybe it’s the fact that I have to compress my work day by a
couple of hours today in order to make a writing class (which is fun!)
Or maybe something on that To Do list makes me nervous.
There are a couple of entries that assume that I’m talented in a
certain area. A couple more include
making plans with people at least a few weeks in advance. And one involves
spending time with a difficult person.
Ahhh. And there it is. Without even knowing it, my subconscious grabbed
on to that event and began wringing its hands:
Why in the world did you
think that was a good idea? You do
realize that instead of just “here is X amount of money – knock yourself out”
you chose to go big. Now you’re
stuck with this person not just for the event, but for the drive to the
event, dinner before the event, and the drive after the
event. Which by the way, will include
our most hated pastime ~ sitting in traffic.
Way to go, genius! You never
think these things through, do you? Gods,
you’re an idiot.
Make
Like an Ostrich and Stick It
The
whispers weren’t audible. But the drop
in “warm fuzzies” was noticeable. And so
what did I do? I avoided.
The
Internet is a great tool for the Avoider.
Forget FB and Pinterest ~ which I told you are like weed and
crack. Email is the best drug, because
it makes us feel like we’re being productive.
See? I’m answering your email
about the thing. And being all
happy-happy and busy-busy.
Not
avoiding. Nope. No avoiding going on
here. Noooo.
 |
This chart applies to any fears we may have.
Image credit: The Strangest Situation Blog |
The truth
is, I’m afraid.
I’m afraid that the
choice I made (regarding attending the event with said difficult person) will
blow up in my face. Unfortunately, this
isn’t based in bad juju or a fantasy. This is
based on past experience. Which again
makes me call my IQ into question regarding the initial decision.
And this
reminds me of a well-known fable, The Scorpion and the Frog:
A scorpion asks a frog to carry him over a
river. The frog is afraid of being stung during the trip, but the scorpion
argues that if it stung the frog, the frog would sink and the scorpion would
drown. The frog agrees and begins carrying the scorpion, but midway across the
river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. When asked
why, the scorpion points out, “But you knew I was a scorpion.”
I Wanna
See You Be Brave
The lesson
could be that I am indeed an idiot who should have thought “Yes, that is a nice
idea, but X is not a stable person and will likely make the evening a living
hell for you. Best to just write her a
check.” But that’s in the past and can’t
be undone ~ I don’t have an in with the Doctor.
And it doesn’t
help me face my issue using avoidance as way to cope with fear. But writing about it does.
So, today
started out as a good day. And then it
turned panicked and bad. The To Do list
sat with only one lone red line through it.
All the other tasks languished. But
one of those tasks was to write today’s post.
And in the writing, I figured out what was at the root of my avoidance.
The real lesson
then, is that, sometimes, when we’re anxious, or sad, or panicked, or upset ~
we need to talk it out. This is
something we can do every now and then with a supportive friend who is a good
listener. And it’s something we should
do with a well-trained supportive therapist on a regular basis.
But it’s
also something we can do when we’re alone. A
journal ~ whether in book or computer form ~ can’t give you feedback or
positive reinforcement. But it can help
you to gather your thoughts, to help clarify your feelings, and sometimes, even
show you the solution to your problem.
So today,
if things aren’t going so well, I encourage you to “fight hard to shine the
light of words upon” whatever it is you feel you can’t face. Call a friend, call your therapist, call a
hotline. And write down everything you
feel.
Together,
let’s fill the wordless void with the light of shining words.
Oremus pro invicem,
~
Mikaela
How
do you cope when things don’t go as planned or when you’re feeling anxious?
