But Never on a Sunday, A Sunday, A Sunday, 'Cuz That's My Day of Rest!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

~ Ernest Hemingway

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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t’s Sunday.  Know what that means!

 

Image credit: Google

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Sorry this didn’t post yesterday ~ computer issues. Sigh.

The World Won't Stop: Weekends Are For Recharging

Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.
~ Maya Angelou, Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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aturdays and Sundays around La Belle don’t get much action. 

Which is fine actually.  I like to imagine that my readers are out living exciting lives ~ getting out in the garden, hiking a mountain, creating something beautiful, or making sure someone feels a little more loved.

But I'm supposed to blog every day for 30 days and that includes weekends.  So what’s a 30 Day blogging challenged gal to do?

If you are stopping by today for your daily laugh or (hopefully) bit of encouragement, then I say to thee: Get thee to a place outside!  Enjoy the weather, enjoy some quiet time.  Don't always use the weekend as a time to keep going, going, going.

Image credit: reneenaturally.com

I understand that errands need to be run, chores need to be done.  But if you don't take time for yourself, you are headed for burn out.  And possibly resentment from the introverted members of your family. So stop reading this, head outside (or to your favorite place that makes you feel happy and peaceful), and rest.  

I promise you'll have more energy to face your To Do list later.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Does your blog traffic go down on the weekends?  Why or Why Not?

Five Minute Friday: Hands

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands,

one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.

~ Sam Levenson

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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o much to do at my day job today, and a couple of great events happening tonight in town, so I’m way behind in getting this written/posted AND making sure I catch an earlier enough train home to get to the fun writerly and artsy events.

My writer friend Drusilla over at Loved As If, told me about Five Minute Friday and as I’m strapped for time, best time to try it out is now.

So without further ado….

To me, big, work-roughened hands have the sexiest feel in the world.  I don’t know why that is.  Maybe because my own hands are soft.  Even though I work in my garden, mow the lawn with a walk behind mower, and scrub and paint furniture and crafty things, I always wear gloves.  Not to mention I have more bottles of lotion than some bath stores.

Image credit: theamandaproject.com

Hands create.  They build and mold and type what the imagination dreams. 

Hands welcome.  They open doors, set a table, cook a meal.

Hands are great.  They are attached to arms, which are even better.  Hands hold, introduce, get to know.  And then arms hug.  And hold some more. 

A symbol of trust and security  ~ however illusory and fleeting it may be.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Five Minute Friday is an ever-growing group of bloggers who write for five minutes flat each Friday on the same prompt that Lisa Jo Baker posts each Thursday evening. It’s five minutes to see what comes out: not a perfect post, not a profound post, just five minutes of focused writing. Those without a blog can post their five minute piece as a comment on Lisa Jo Baker’s blog. For more details, visit Five Minute Friday.

Love Will Save Me: Why Working on Your Problems Before Marriage is Smart

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them.

Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.

~ Hugh Elliott, Standing Room Only

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness! 

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t’s Throwback Thursday. 

Which usually means posting pictures that highlight what a bad idea that mullet and blue eye shadow were back in 1985.

It’s also Hunger Awareness Day, and since emotional hunger is a very real problem in our society today, I thought, why not revisit an old post about relationships?

Also, I’m lazy, ADDish, and tired.

Six years ago, I had a discussion with a couple of bloggers about whether a person should work on their psychological and emotional wounds before entering a new relationship and whether that relationship could itself be a source of healing.

I had forgotten all about this discussion and the post it inspired, and upon reading it, I quickly realized this couldn’t be just a lazy re-blog.  Because six years ago, I was a different person.

A Broken Vase Holds No Water

Six years ago, I was four years out of a manipulative  and co-dependent relationship.  Six years ago, I wasn’t in therapy with the incredible shrink I have now.  Six years ago, I thought I was fine and okay.

But six years ago, I was depressed and didn’t know it.

Six years later, I’m more self-aware, more confident, more don’t-give-a-flying-truck-what-anyone-thinks.  More in touch with my wounds, my past.  And more in touch with my anger and disappointment.  You could say, I’m a little more hard and cynical.  Still, my six-years-ago self was pretty much dead on.

Read the original post: The Power of Love

Let’s get one thing straight right from the start: a relationship, whether it’s romantic or platonic, is never a cure for loneliness.  People are people, not objects to be bought, sold, or used.  A relationship built on hating eating frozen dinners in front of the boob tube by yourself is going to last as long as my coffee pot.  Actually, my coffee pot will probably last longer.  

Not to mention it makes things exceedingly tiresome and boring for the other person.  

And quite frankly, I’ve met people who still felt alone in their relationship.  And that is worse than literally being alone. 

Since that post was written, I’ve had several friends date, break up, and get married.  And as I began learning more and more about child development, and family wounds, and inter generational healing, I began to talk more and more about the need to tend to our wounds before entering into a life-changing commitment.  But time and again I was told: not all take the same path, not all journeys are the same; some people are healed by the relationship itself.

While I agree that we all have different paths to take, they all overlooked one thing in their reasoning: they had already been in therapy and done work on themselves or were in therapy when they met their future spouse.

Prior to that, they were dating and getting nothing but heartache in return.

I Want a Girl (Just Like the Girl That Married Dear Old Dad)

Many of us had (or have) troubled relationships with one or both parents.  And many of us either ignore that, or try to compensate with their significant other.  But we learn all too soon that the other person is just as flawed as we are, as our parents are, and in fact, may even be flawed in the same way our parents were!

When you enter a relationship without addressing the fact that your father always promised he would do X, Y or Z but never did it, you may have a tendency to expect all men to promise but not deliver.

Image credit: Chappell Therapy

If your mother was manipulative and domineering, you may have the tendency to view your girlfriend’s ability to handle herself well and take charge of a situation with distrust or you may simply retreat when faced with taking responsibility.

And still the pain continues and the need to address past wounds remains.

Do all relationships work this way?  Of course not.  Things like mentors, the moderately functional friends we had growing up, and even grace need to be factored in.  

But enough have problems that books have been written about the parent-child connection and influence over current relationships.

The Journey So Far

Six years ago, I said that I believed “perfect love drives out all fear” and I sort of still believe that.  The issue I have now is, in order to experience love in a healthy, integrated way you first have to know what it looks like.  Otherwise, you’ll keep getting your heart stomped on. (Think of abused women who won’t leave their abusers).

How do we do that?

I don’t know how you do it, but I read books.  And talked with friends.  And joined a support group.  And talked with friends some more.  And read more books. 

Until finally one day, a romantic interest said to me: “You know, you’ve told me about X, Y, Z in your past and I think you should join a support group or talk to a spiritual advisor ~ because the reason you’re attracted to me is because I remind you of your father…and you really shouldn’t date me.”

So (heartbroken), I joined another support group.  And I read some more books.  And talked to a priest or two.  But I didn’t find a competent therapist. 

And would you believe, I went back to thinking I was working on things and everything was fine. Denial ain’t just a river…oh, you’ve heard that one already.

It would take me two whole years ~ and one last majorly dysfunctional and painful relationship in 2009 ~  to finally hit rock bottom in January of 2010.  Suddenly, everything was not fine ~ in spades.  I was not okay.  As smart as I was, and as many supportive friends as I had, I realized (finally!!) that I needed more help than I was getting. 

And even then, I was stubborn and didn’t meet my shrink until six months later.  (Gee, it’s been four years?! Happy Anniversary, Siggy*!)

Bottom line: no one human being can “fix” or "fill" you by themselves.  Would you expect your spouse to set your leg if you broke it?  Or do open heart surgery on you if you had a blocked artery? No, that would be stupid!  They aren’t trained to heal those kinds of wounds/illnesses.

And yet, many of us expect our spouse to heal our emotional and psychological wounds.

The Power of (Unconditional) Love

We were not created to be alone, to work out our problems in isolation. We are social beings, made for self-gift and with an incredible capacity to love and forgive and grow.

Pride says you do not need anyone or anything to help you heal. That is not only false, it’s unwise. But neither are we meant to just expect things to magically get better without putting forth any effort at all and letting our spouses, children, friends, confessors, shrinks do it all for us. 

The answer lies in between: take the time to become self-aware; work on your issues; talk to a therapist (consider them your psych surgeon).  Healing those wounds enables you to feed that emotional hunger yourself. 

Only then can you feed others.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Agree, disagree, hate me? ;)  Do tell!

*Siggy - oh come on.  Siggy - Sigmund.  Yeah, you got it.

Toxic Relationships: Calling It Quits on Our Bad Habits

It can be difficult to leave a long-term relationship, even when our inner-wisdom tells us it's time to let go. At this point, we can choose let go and endure the intense pain of leaving behind the familiar to make way for a new chapter in our life. Or we can stay and suffer a low-grade pain that slowly eats away at our heart and soul, like an emotional cancer. Until we wake up, one day and realize, we are buried so deep in the dysfunction of the relationship that we scarcely remember who we were and what we wanted and needed to be.

~ Jaeda DeWalt

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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elationships define us.

You’re someone’s child, possibly someone’s parent, someone’s aunt or uncle.  A boss.  An employee.  A coach.

Even as a writer, I have a relationship with you, my readers.

Sometimes these relationships are good: healthy, integrated, interdependent.  Sometimes, they’re toxic: shattered, abusive, codependent, even addictive.

This pretty much sums up my relationship with food. . .and my health.

Mental WWE

It’s been proven time and again that the mind has great power over the body.  Grief can produce fatigue, insomnia, lack of appetite.  Joy produces more endorphins, ups our energy, makes our skin glow.

For some of us, however, our mental/emotional health is in a fight to the death with our physical health.  Or more accurately, in a fight with our habits.

And let’s face it, some of those habits are downright toxic.

For instance, I eat when I’m bored.  I eat when I’m depressed.  I eat when I’m hungry.  I eat when I’m full.  But when you really look at it, 9 times out of 10, I eat when I’m bored.

The Root of All Evil. . .Er, Toxic Habits

As with any unhealthy habits, addictions, or behaviors, to truly “cure” the disease, you have to answer the question Why.  Why do you watch five hours of television instead of talking to your spouse?  Why do you eat a dozen doughnuts when you come from a family of diabetics?  Why do you put off writing that report/proposal/book/post until you give yourself an aneurysm completing it?

In my journey towards a healthier, happier, more integrated me, I’ve discovered that they why of my eating when I’m bored had an even deeper why: why are you bored at all?

Because I’m a creative.  A smart creative with mild ADD.  The question is not do I have an idea; the question is which idea do I explore first?  And yet, I get bored.  And then I eat.  And let me tell you, when I’m bored, I don’t eat carrots and broccoli.

The answer is two-fold and I’ve already answered half of it above. 

Image credit: www.mbrozafoods.org

Having even mild ADD makes concentration and focus a challenge.  People with ADD or ADHD, can hyper-focus, that is, become completely, 100% engrossed in something.  I’ve almost missed my train home a couple of times because I was immersed in some writing or editing project.  (Once I almost missed the train as it was standing right in front of me because I was hyper-focused on downloading music on my smarty pants phone!)

But as you can see, it’s not always the something that we should be focused on at the time.

The other side to this tale of habit woe is perfectionism.  I’ve talked about this double-edged sword before, but it bears repeating:

As with all artists, the writer pours himself out in his art ~ there in bloody black and white for all to see. Once the words are on the page and published, there is no going back. . . This means that our art flows directly from our soul. It is real. It is painful. It is achingly beautiful. But it is truly our blood and bone, heart and sinew. And so if we fail to reach someone; if the observer fails to "get" us or the beauty or idea we are trying to convey, it is like singing in a darkened theatre.

You put everything into your performance and the lights go on afterwards and instead of the attentive audience you thought was there, there is only empty space. Or worse, empty stares. (The Perfect and the Real, February 2011)

And of course, what is part and parcel of perfectionism?  Fear.  Fear of failure.  Fear of rejection. Ergo, the root of my boredom is really fear.

That’s just great, Mikaela.  But now what?  How do you “dig out” that root of fear?

Now, it’s decision time.

There is Such a Thing as a Good Goodbye

I’m with Charlie Brown on this one.  I like hellos, not goodbyes.  But sometimes, in order to save one’s sanity and health, you have to call it quits.

My relationship with food right now is not healthy.  In point of fact, it’s driving my mind crazy and my body bonkers.  Because remember, I don’t eat veggies and fruit when I’m bored.  (We won’t go into what I do eat ~ I have healthy, organic friends who read this and they might die of the shock.)

When I eat when I’m bored, I can actually hear my gut saying, “What the…!?  Again!?  Lady, last time you ate that piece of bleep! we sent it back ~ with a big helping of acidy horse head complaint!  What kinda scam are ya tryin’ to pull here?!”

Who knew this Southern belle had a New Jersey digestive tract?

My biggest and number one task is tackling the fear of failure and rejection.  It’s the root that needs to be dug out.  Otherwise, like a weed, the habit never dies.  That’s one of the reasons I see my therapist regularly. 

But I can’t just sit back and wait for the cognitive and dialectical behavior therapy to take.

I need to do some extra mental and physical homework on my own.  Some of these I’ve tried, some I’m still working on.  See if these might help you say goodbye to your long-term bad habit:

Get rid of all the comfort food (poison) in my house and my office.

Replace it with healthy yet fun alternatives. (I just went to Whole Foods and got a bunch – woohoo!)

Get outside.  (Now that my garden is growing, I try to visit it every day to weed, water, and walk in it.)

Get up without hitting the snooze and get in 15-20 minutes of yoga and strength training. (This one is tough ~ I am NOT a morning person.  I’m a morning growly grounchy-pants.)

Write.  Write everything.  Journal the good, the bad, the ugly, the insane.

Spend time with supportive friends.  (Just went camping with some ~ woot!)

Join a support group (haven’t tried this one yet)

Relationships define us.  But the toxic ones don’t have to anymore.  We ARE strong enough to walk away.  We ARE strong enough to form healthy, integrated relationships.  It’s just going to take some time and some hard work.

But as the wise guru Clairol reminds us, we’re worth it.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Read it again: The Perfect and the Real

Learn more about Interdependence: Psych Central

Write Like A Boy Scout: Why a Writer Should Always Be Prepared

Being a writer is a very peculiar sort of a job: it's always you versus a blank sheet of paper (or a blank screen) and quite often the blank piece of paper wins.

~ Neil Gaiman

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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riters need to be Boy Scouts: always prepared.

Stories and ideas come from everywhere and no matter how good you think your memory is, if you don’t keep paper or a recording device at hand, you are going to forget some of them.

Of course, some ideas sound way better in our heads.  The old parable is dead on: don’t separate the wheat from the chaff before you harvest, you might pull up some wheat by accident.  Which is another reason it is good to write them down ~ so you can view them in the cold light of the blank page. 

Editing should always come after you’ve puked your guts out, not before.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice a little for your craft.  No one gets by on talent alone.  On Saturday, I gave up an hour of canoeing with friends to write this.  I knew if I didn’t, I would not only miss out on spending some precious time alone, but I would feel unhappy and unfulfilled.  As well as lose some valuable story seeds.

Even if some of them turn out to be weeds not wheat, at least I took the time to plant something.

Writing for Mental Health

The other seeds that are planted when writing down ideas, emotions, perceptions, etc. are seeds of mental well-being.  Because I suffer from cyclothymic depression and mild ADD, it is easy to forget the highs, the good days when the thunder clouds settle in the brain.  In fact, many therapists encourage their patients to keep a journal. 

For the past few days (Saturday was the exception), I felt like I had nothing worth saying, nothing worth sharing.  Intellectually, I may understand that isn’t true.  But the inner child throws a tantrum and wails that she doesn’t want to write.  Stomp! Stomp!  She just wants to retreat to her room (real or imaginary) and read, read, read. 

Not that reading is bad.  A good writer is always reading ~ it’s one way we hone our craft.  But we shouldn’t read to the detriment of our writing.

The other reason it is good to push and write through the bad days, is that by the very act of writing and documenting my depression ~ the highs, the lows, the insecurities, the deep sad ~ I keep the writing muscle in play.

Think of any exercise regimen.  There are days you want to stop ~ you’re bored, you’re tired, you’re busy ~ but if you do stop, it’s more difficult to get back on the treadmill, into the pool, etc.  And lose you some of the ground you’ve gained.

The same can be said of writing.  Writing every day ~ even if it’s crappy writing ~ keeps the ink flowing.  And I have to remind myself of this during periods like this ~ when I feel like an utter failure and like the poorest writer on the planet.  Eventually, I’ll prove myself wrong on that score, and write more things I’m proud of.

I just need to make sure I’m prepared to gather the wheat when it ripens.

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

How do you capture ideas on the run? Do you find that writing helps you deal with your depression or other form of mental illness?

The Mind and Body Connection: Why I'm Still Talking About Mental Health

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

~ Martin Luther King Jr., I Have a Dream: Writings and Speeches That Changed the World

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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ay two and already, I want a go back.

Yesterday, I said that I wanted to spend the next 30 days continuing to talk about mental health and relationships.  But then today, it hit me right in the gut that maybe this month, I should talk about mental health and physical health.

Let’s just say that burger I had for lunch was awesome for about 2.9 seconds and then it became vitally obvious that I should have had veggie juice instead.

The question is, can I blog about it for 28 more days straight??  And would you even want to read that?

So instead, since Baby doesn’t really liked to be backed into a corner about her blog, let’s just say I’m going to continue talking about mental health. Period.

And as I tooled around looking for more writing prompts, I came across A Canvas of the Minds, which runs the official Blog for Mental Health Project.  On here, they pledge to blog about mental health all year long ~ to raise awareness and end the stigma.  

So even though I’m about 6 months late, I’m adding my own pledge.  Because it is really important that we break down the walls surrounding mental health so that people can get the help they need.

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.” 

Because mental health matters.

Mind and Body

In other news, my garden is starting to show signs of life.  And this is good, because I am starting to show signs of death ~ or to put it less dramatically, signs of ill health.  I know the why, I just have trouble with the how to stop. 

Image credit: vhealthjuice.com

This past weekend I went camping with a few friends and while it was a great experience and I had more fun than I expected, I hungered for more.  More energy, more strength, more flexibility, more endorphins.

So I decided that I would use this month to really begin my health training in earnest.  My trip to Kodiak isn’t that far away, and I want to be in much better place health-wise before I go.  And in order for that to happen, I need to get both my body and my mind ~ specifically my rebellious amygdala ~ in sync.

Otherwise, those Kodiak grizzlies are going to have one big crazy Mikaela entrée!

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

This will be interesting, since lately my idea of a workout is holding up a book as I read in bed.  Sigh.  Well, they say a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Here I go!

Blogathon 2014: Writerly Madness!

"I wanted you to see what real courage is. . .

It's when you know you're licked before you begin,

but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.”

~ Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

June is the FLX/WordCount Blogathon!  Join us for 30 Days of blogging madness!

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ow it begins.  And so of course, I wish I hadn’t signed up for it.  I’m contrary like that.

But a blogging challenge is good for me.  Sort of like oatmeal and carrots.

Blah. 

June is National PTSD Awareness Month, but there’s only so much I can write since I don’t personally have an experience of it or know many people who suffer from it.

So I’m going to continue to write about subjects pertaining to mental health in general and relationships in particular, because the two are so intertwined.

And since it’s also planting season here in Zone 7, I’ll be updating you on my garden ~ because that is also connected to my own personal mental health.

Join me for the next 30 days.  And if you’re new here, welcome to the funny farm!

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Apologies, this should have published on time, but there were tech issues.

All Ends Are Not Sad: Keep Talking, Keep Blogging!

Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin.

And there are many things that don't really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way.

Ends are not bad and many ends aren't really an ending; some things are never-ending.

~ C. JoyBell C.

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month.  Join me in blogging to erase the stigma of mental illness so our loved ones can seek the help they need.

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his has been a week for crazy ADD-land shenanigans; hence, not as much posting of awesomeness.

But have no fear, another Blogathon will appear!  On Sunday to be exact.  And since I’ve had such a great response, both here and on Facebook, to the discussion of mental health, I’ve decided to continue talking about it. 

Mondays here at La Belle will now be known as Mental Health Mondays.  Clichéd perhaps, but it works.  And I hope I can continue to shed some light on the fun and foibles of those of us who suffer, and do my part to destroy the stigma surrounding Mental Illness.

The Blogathon is 30 days of writing madness, so it will keep me (hopefully) on my writerly toes….and fingers.

Until Sunday ~ stay tuned, stay safe, stay sane!

And learn to let go and laugh a little.  It’s all good!

Oremus pro invicem,

~ Mikaela

Fear: Don't Let It Cripple You

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